


undesirable

by souveraiin



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Charlie Dalton - Freeform, DPS, Dead Poets Society - Freeform, Gay, Gerard Pitts - Freeform, M/M, Neil Perry - Freeform, Nuwanda, Richard Cameron - Freeform, Todd Anderson - Freeform, aaa anderperry !!, anderperry, angst + soft, angst ??, boooo cameron :(, ily all !!!, knox overstreet - Freeform, soft, steven meeks - Freeform, used to be on wattpad lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:07:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23868016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/souveraiin/pseuds/souveraiin
Summary: “ i could’ve been anything in the world but i wanted to be his ”—two teenagers fall in love, whats the harm in that?
Relationships: Anderperry - Relationship, Neil Perry/Todd Anderson, Neil/Todd, Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello !! yes, i am a alive but with a twist ! the story that i’m posting at this moment was originally written by me, on wattpad. ( @souveraiin ) from two years ago !! aaah !
> 
> since i’ve been meaning to post it here and finish it, now i can !! ( since it’s quarantine haha )
> 
> notice: YES THEYRE ARE GRAMMAR ERRORS, PUNCTUATION ERRORS, U NAME IT !! i’m too lazy to fix it ! i’m sorry :(
> 
> anyways enjoy please ! take care of yourselves <3

// todd // 

todd anderson has only been in this new school that his parents forced to be placed in because for god's sake, todd's brother went to this school. which meant his parents wanted him to follow todds elder brothers footsteps just to be as successful as him. he obviously had no word in this, and his last school wasn't enjoyable either, since he was unfortunately portrayed as some outsider at the school. but for once, this one specific school has been quite kind to him recently.

he fortunately met a very charismatic, loud, big spirited, and very talented, neil perry. who made his stay at this school even more worthwhile, they were roommates merely roommates a couple a days ago to now close friends. later, neil would introduce todd to his group of problematic yet humorous friends, that would later " adopt " todd into the group.

for once he had everything he had ever hoped for. his new group of friends treated him almost as a family, unlike his real biological family that only and will only praise his brother than him getting a little of admiration.

although apart of him felt wrong,  
undesirable, even.  
but neil somehow found a way  
into his heart to deny those things.

though,   
little did he know, things will and unfortunately change. it's life,  
it's just how it goes.  
he can't stay at wonderland forever.

it's only 1959, the world was insane then,  
and it suddenly so happens it was  
insane for todd as well.

— 

it was a bittersweet september day, where the leaves were aimlessly scrambled around on the almost bareless ground to be stepped on, to the bitter cold wind that drifted away. 

todd anderson, was moving to yet another school only to follow his brother, jeffery, footsteps to succeed just like him. when his parents first told him about his removal of his old school and now going to a private one, he didn't really care at this point. he held the label " loner " at his old school, stressing himself to keep up the good grades to keep his parents satisfied and writing in his free time. no one really noticed him, as if he were a background character in some cliche highschool movie. he was just there. doing class work properly, doing homework properly, and so on. 

todd looked outside the cars window, skimming the outside passing before him. he tugged at the schools uniform sleeve, wearing his old brothers uniform that fit loosely on him, since his parents didn't want to buy him one because it was oh so   
" expensive. " 

todd eyed his parents, not moving but only his eyes. he looked at his mother, who was powdering her face to look the least presentable, while his father was driving with one hand, and the other swatting away the residue of the powder. " careful, you might get the seats dirty. " mr. anderson hissed. mrs.anderson huffed and hastily closed the pocket mirror in her hand, and threw it in her purse to switch it with a cigarette packet. todd rolled his eyes back to the window. 

" todd, dearest, aren't you excited for your new school? " mrs. anderson called while lighting her cigarette. 

he looked back at rear-view mirror to make eye contact with his mother. " i don't know. " he muttered into his hand. he was right though.  
he didn't exactly know how to feel in this situation, since this has happened all before.

" todd, speak louder please. " his father called. todd looked at his father now, who's busy driving with one hand now smoking the cigarette that his mother handed to him. 

" i don't know. " todd deadpanned.

" you know, " his mother started, making todd roll his eyes. if this was about jeffery and him starting this welton school i'm going to scream. he thought bitterly.

" when jeffery started at welton, he had such an amusing school years there. "

of course.

his mother kept on yapping on how much jeffery was having such a gallant time, at his year's in welton, meanwhile, todd was trying to study each and every car that dashed by.

" they have soccer. see, don't you love soccer? " she inhaled the cigarette. smoke then cluttered around her, which made todd open his window a tad bit to let the smoke escape so he can avoid inhaling it.

he hated how his parents smoked, the distasteful smell always made his noise scrunch up, even as a kid.

" i know, but i don't want to do soccer. "

his father looked at the rear-view mirror.   
" why? " they both asked aghast. 

" i wanna try rowing. " he smiled into his hand.   
as suspected, his parents shot down his idea. 

" oh come on, todd. rowing is for pansies. " mr.anderson sighed. he rolled down the window and threw the cigarette. 

" what's wrong with soccer? jeffery did it. i think you're capable of doing as well, " mrs. anderson chimed in. 

jeffery. oh how he despised that name.  
how they always had to refer jeffery to todd.  
he understood, they obviously loved him more than they loved him. 

todd stayed silent, where his natural instinct kicked in. to stay silent and let their parents babble on how much his own choice is wrong, and later related jeffery into the conversation.

☕︎

they walked into the stone chapel of the welton academy. where the family sat proudly, when todd just wanted to burrow himself where no one can know he existed. looked down on his hands, scrambling with one another. he skimmed the area not lifting his head. seeing a bunch of families with their sons, some little, and some about todd's age. 

then, suddenly bag pipes bursted through the wave of chattering. which hushed the noise, then came boys again, estimated todd's age who were holding banners first came out of the doors, later following robed teachers. as the boys holding the banners, one specific character caught his eye. he had brown hair, with small amount of moles that scattered along his face. a stern tone was plastered onto his face.

as the ceremony kept on going, he lost track of the boy, who was drowned in the sea of people.  
the old grumpy man, who imitated a smile, ( supposedly named mr.nolan ) suddenly said something that caught his attention. 

" gentlemen, what are the four pillars? "

suddenly, all the students at welton stood up.  
his father kicked the side of his foot motioning him to stand as well. 

helpless, he stood up and obeyed his father trying to lip sync the words the other students were saying. as they sat down, todd faced reddened with embarrassment. 

he kept replaying that scene over and over again wanting to slap himself, until a wave of applause alarmed him. 

" the four pillars are the bywords of this school, and they will become cornerstones of your lives " mr. nolan continued.

" welton society candidate richard cameron, " nolan called, which where a student scrambled up and sat up from his seat with honey hair, and freckles scattered along his face. his parents beaming with pride. 

" yes sir! " 

" cameron, what is tradition? "

" tradition, mr. nolan, is the love of this school, country, and family. our tradition at welton is to be the best! " 

" good, mr. cameron. " the honey haired boy returned a smile as his parents patted him on the back proudly as he sat. 

" welton society candidate george hopkins. what is honor? " 

" honor. is dignity and the fulfillment of duty! " the boy answered stiffly. 

" excellent, hopkins. " 

todd looked around the crowd, wondering who's next to stand. 

" - honor society candidate knox overstreet. " there stood, smiling smugly, a tall boy with droopy eyelids. 

" yes sir. " 

" what is discipline? " nolan asked.

" discipline is the respect for parents, teachers, and headmaster. discipline comes within. " 

he sat back down, where his parents smiled lovingly towards him, his father resting a hand on his back. 

todd wished he could relate with the feeling.

" honor candidate neil perry. "

and there he stood, the boy that caught his attention once again.

neil perry. so that's his name. 

neil rose to his feet, his left side of his welton blazer covered with welton achievement pins. 

" excellence, mr. perry? " 

" excellence? " neil repeated, clearing his throat.

" excellence is the result of hard work, " he started, his voice rather loud and stern unlike the others who stood. " excellence is the key to all success, in school and everywhere. " 

he sat next to seemingly to be his father, to be unsmiling but a cold stare towards mr. nolan.  
neil looked back at his father, and shifted his gaze towards nolan. 

todd was in awe.  
the boy supposedly named " neil " seemed awfully intimidating towards him personally.

" due to the retirement of of our beloved english teacher, mr. portius, i hope you will take this opportunity to meet his replacement, mr. john keating. " there stood a soft smile of the new english teacher who looked at the wave of families. 

nolan looked at him and sighed, continuing his speech. 

☕︎

parents hugged their children goodbye with their sons looking embarrassed, while others came into the hug, bugging back. 

" oh charles, please tell me you'll behave this year. " mrs. dalton begged, brushing the bangs out of his face.

" can't promise anything. " charlie who smiled smugly. 

while parents waved and said goodbye to their sons, todds parents stayed and chatted with mr. nolan. where todd stayed in the background who tried to unearth a certain stone on the ground.

" todd anderson, " mr. nolan called. todd lifted his head. " you have some big shoes to fill. " nolan smiled, lending his hand out for a handshake. todd smiled halfheartedly, wanting this conversation to be over. " your brother was one of the best. " nolan beamed. todd plastered a grin and smiled.

nolan moved on to the families that were scattered in stone chapel.


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya ! ily !

" overtreet, perry, dalton, cameron, and anderson. " dr. hager called out motioning the boys to follow him. 

" who's the new boy, meeksie? " pitts whispered towards his lifelong friend. 

" anderson, " meeks whispered back.   
dr. hager spotted the conversation. 

" well, mister pitts and meeks. demerits. " the old man smiled bitterly at them, which made pitts roll his eyes and sigh. 

" another demerits for you, pitts. " hager walked away with the students who were called. there were scatters of laughter and chuckles.

sorry, pittsie. meeks mouthed.   
pitts shrugged with a half-hearted smile, which made meeks return a smile half-heartedly.

meanwhile, the boys who were called stood in front of nolan, all in a straight line, the boys looking stern while todd was shifting eye contact towards the students next to him to nolan. 

" welcome boys, dalton, hows your father? "

" fine sir. " 

" your family moved into that new house, overstreet? " knox lifted his head, blinking then smiling at nolan. 

" yes, sir, about a month ago. " he thought. 

" wonderful, " nolan smiled briefly, then looking down at his clipboard, concentrating. 

" anderson, " nolan called. todd stood stiffly at the absinthal sound of his last name. " since you're new here, let me explain that at welton. i assign extra-curricular activities on the basis of merit and desire. " he stopped writing on his clipboard and looked directly at todd which made him squirm a little. 

" these activities are taken every bit as seriously as your class work, right, boys? " 

" yes, sir! " the boys answered together. which made nolan smile radiantly.

todd looked down at his folded hands blurring nolan's voice out. he begin to overthink, thinking the boys on his left side already despise the awkward mess named todd anderson himself. he decided to keep his head low, avoiding any sociability. 

but, of course that didn't last long.

" mr. anderson, " nolan began, shifting his gaze to the anxious boy. 

" based on the record at balincrest: soccer, service club, school annual. anything else i should know about? " he questioned.

todd stayed silent, the words lodged in his throat. 

" speak up will you, mr. anderson? " nolan pressured. 

" rowing.. " todd managed to say

neil shifted his gaze at todd concerned.

" rowing? did he say rowing? " nolan asked the other boys which the only one to respond swiftly was cameron, shrugging. 

nolan responds to a sigh, shifting his weight in his seat. " you'll like soccer here, anderson. " nolan reflected a plastered smile, which todd only exchanged a small glance at him. 

" dismissed. " 

and like that, the boys left the room one by one, neil only to follow todd on the way out.

" todd anderson? " the name made todd cringe a tad bit to stop in his tracks and look at who beckoned to call his name.

" i hear we're going to be roomates. "   
its the same boy at the chapel meeting. he thought, his stomach doing unnecessary summersaults.

" i'm neil perry. " the boy grinned, offering a hand shake, and todd easily referred his grin to a blissful evening or the sunshine. 

" todd anderson, " todd mumbled, his cheeks painting with blooming blush.

" i know, silly. " neil walked by his side.

" why'd you leave balincrest? " neil asked without hesitation. 

" my brother went here. " todd deadpanned.

" oh, so you're that anderson. " he threw his arm around todds shoulders to where he stiffened. 

" i, er, my parents wanted me to go here all along but my grades weren't good enough. i had to go to balincrest to pull them up. " he sighed, for once, not mumbling.

" well you've won the booby prize. " neil shrugged looking at todd, who didn't exchanged a glance. 

" don't expect to like it here. "

" i don't already. " todd chuckled.   
with that, neil bursted with a small laugh and todd just smiled to himself to make such a marvelous character laugh. 

☕︎

" hey i heard you got the new guy, " cameron poked into neil's dorm. 

" hear he's a stiff! " cameron exclaimed as todd suddenly appeared next to him, entering his dorm.

" oops. " cameron ducked out, leaving the two to unpack.

" don't mind cameron, " neil smiled softly at todd. " he's born with a foot in his mouth, if you know what i mean. "

todd nodded, focusing more on the task at hand. 

" well if it isn't neil perry. " within that moment, three boys appeared at their dorm, one of them being recognizable towards todd, since he only remembers knox because he spoke during that chapel meeting.

" rumor has it you did summer school. " 

" yeah, chemistry. my father says i should get ahead. " he smiled swiftly at the boy. 

" how was your summer, slick? "

" keen. " the boy scoffed.

" meeks, door. closed. "  
the boy walked in, the other two followed, making themselves comfortable as if they lived here as well. 

" yes, sir. " the redhead with thick glasses called back.

neil smirked.   
" gentleman, what are the four pillars? "

" travesty. horror. decadence. excrement. "   
the boys called out besides todd, who was wondering what the hell was going on. 

" well, " the boy who was laying on the bed pulled out a cigarette. 

" meeks aced latin, and i didn't quite flunk english, so if you want, we've got our study group. " 

meeks beamed proudly while charlie stuck his tongue out at him, to only make meeks return the silly gesture.

" sure, but cameron asked me too. anybody mind including him? " 

" what's his speciality? boot-licking? " the boys laughed while todd started to feel uneasy in his own dorm feeling rather excluded.

" he's your roommate. " neil reminded.

" that's not my fault! " charlie motioned his hands with a sigh. 

suddenly, the boy who's supposedly named meeks, shifted his gaze up to todd. 

" im afraid we haven't met. im steven meeks. "  
meeks motioned for a handshake which where todd returned it shyly.

" todd anderson. " he mumbled shyly.

" knox overstreet. " 

" charlie dalton. " there was a bold stare from charlie, not even handing a hand out to him. todd awkwardly stood, and nodded.

" todds brother is the jeffery anderson. "  
neil admired.

charlie looked at todd furrowing his eyebrows with recognition. " oh, yeah, sure. valedictorian, national merit scholar ..."

he looked back, and nodded.

" welcome to hell-ton. "  
meeks smiled while the other boys chuckled.

" it's every bit as tough as they say, unless you're a genius like meeks. " charlie raised an eyebrow and meeks. meeks response with a simple eye roll and shifted his gaze once again back at todd. " he flatters me. that's why i help him with latin. "

" and english, and trig. "

suddenly, another knock was heard at the other side of the door. instead of waiting for an answer, the door hastily opened. a man todd could say he was in his fourties smiled bitterly at each of the boys. 

" mr. perry. " the boys said as they stood, charlie stomped on the cigarette to hide all evidence. 

" keep your seats, fellows, keep your seats. " he started, his eyes then shifted to neil.

" father? i thought you'd gone, " neil baffled. 

" neil, i've just spoken to mr. nolan. i think that you're taking too many extra curricular activities this semester, and i've decided that you should drop the school annual. " his father deadpanned.

neil scoffed, and smiled weakly at his father.  
" b-but father i'm the assistant editor this year!" neil plead. 

" well, i'm sorry neil. " mr. perry said, his voice trying to at least be pitiful. which wasn't even working at all.

" but father, i cant. it wouldn't be fair- " his father cut him off aggressively. " fellas, " he sighed to where he plastered on a fake smile.   
" would you excuse us for a moment? " 

neil looked down and followed his father out of his dorm. 

☕︎

the room was quiet when neil left. thick awkwardness filled the room. luckily, todd didn't have to talk in this situation since he had an excuse because he was unpacking. charlie cut the tension with a grumbled remark.

" god, why does he have to be such an ass? " charlie hastily shoved the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket, knox sighed.

" we cant all have the perfect parents. " knox answered. meeks nodded to agreement while charlie rolled out of the bed. 

" i know that, but still he doesn't have the  
right to control neil as if he's some puppet. " charlie motioned his hands, emphasizing the meaning. " i know neil, and he's perfectly capable of making his own choices. "

the boys looked down to their shoes, agreeing to him silently. " there's nothing we can do about it, charlie. " meeks implied. charlie was going to shoot back another " i know but still " but sighed itching the back of his neck. 

heavy footsteps scrambled away where neil and his father stood, charlie and the two boys scrambled up to investigate the situation.

this left todd some alone time, whatever " charlie " was implying might've been true about his father, but he didn't know neil until a few recent seconds.

he at least pitied the boy. he sighed setting up his desk-set, feeling mocked as this was the same present he got the year before his birthday.

voices then became clear to todd in the doorway. " i've gotta go, pittsie's waiting for me. study group for tonight? " meeks looked at his watched without looking up. 

" you know it, " knox smiled.   
the four split up to go to their dorms, one heading towards the library.

" todd, you're welcome to join us! " meeks called. knox agreed. " yeah, come along buddy." 

todd muffled a thanks and continued setting his alarm clock. he set it down then motioning towards his desk. 

neil walked slowly in the room and  
his smile dropped instantly. todd looked up at him concerned, but then set his direction towards the desk-set. he took out a photo of his family his parents forced him to pack. since it brought out a " family " vibe. instead of it giving it a family vibe, it gave todd a bitter vibe full of dispise. he studied the picture, then throwing it in the drawer besides him. 

" so what'd you think of my father? " neil flopped on his bed taking out one of his pins and studying it. 

todd mumbled, the words lodged in his throat. 

" oh, todd, if you wanted to survive here you got to learn how to speak up. " neil soured.

todd felt anxious and looked away from neil, not wanting to look at him again, since he made an absolute fool of himself.

moments ago he saw neil as such a mesmerizing character, and pretty nice, now to a sour and bitter roommate.

" the meek inherent the earth, but they don't make it into harvard. " neil looked at the window fiddling with the pin in his hand.

he looked back at the anxious boy and sighed.   
" sorry, " he sighed, and stood back up. 

" i guess i'm just overwhelmed over my father   
always making choices for me as if i were five. "  
he motioned with his hands. 

" w-well, i-i think he's a jerk? " todd mumbled, now gaining the confidence back to look at neil.   
neil looked up to meet his eyes. surprised, todd could talk again. " i-i mean you know, t-that he always has to choose your life choices and force you on what you want to be and all that, " todd stammered, shifting his gaze. 

neil smiled.   
" you're not too bad, for an anderson. " 

and with that, todd smiled in the second time that day, only by the boy himself, neil perry.


	3. iii

the first day of welton was exhausting, each of the classes giving a solid three pounds of homework only to be due in about nine outs or so. the only thing neil was looking forward to was study group. it was the only place where neil could have fun and work on his homework. he threw on something casual before leaving to go to study group, he then calls out to todd.

" hey, todd, mind tagging along? " neil asked.  
todd looked up from his desk. he shook his head, neil frowned. " why not? " 

todd looked down at the floor, not wanting to answer. neil understood and sighed with a half hearted smile. " okay, but if you wanna tag along, you know where to find the room. " he rest his hand on todds shoulder, his face reddening. he nodded hastily, wondering if his head was about to fall off from nodded so quickly. neil dashed out of his room, and todd looked back, sighing.

it wouldn't kill him, would it?

☕︎

the so-called study room was filled with students, some playing darts, while others simply doing what they're are suppose to do, studying, and two were making a radio.

todd walked in the room, and the only one who noticed out of all the boys scattered around the room, neil noticed. neil was about to jump out of his seat with joy. todd being anxious, he sat down in an empty table away from neil and his friends, which made him frown to himself.

" what's the matter neil, trig too hard for you? " charlie called smugly. neil snapped his head at charlie, rolling his eyes. " oh shut it, mr. i didnt quite flunk trig because of the help of meeks and cameron. " charlie smugly smiled at neil. 

" charlie shut it, you barely did anything. " cameron chimes in looking at charlie's paper, only written with one question and the rest of the paper was filled with doodles. " well, you aren't helping me here, boot-licker. " 

" aren't helping you, aren't helping you, you're the one who isn't paying attention ! charlie what else do you want me to do, feed you and dress you as well? " 

" well if you're into that, why not? less work for me. " charlie laughed, getting a punch on the arm from cameron and a small snicker across the table from pitts. 

neil continued working on the problems, cameron sometimes correcting him here and there, but his mind was also fixated on mysterious todd anderson. 

sure, he had most of his classes with him, but he was awfully quiet and an anxious boy. he doesn't even bother to raise his hand. what does it take for him to make him feel at least welcomed?

he sighed again, pushing his glasses up to the rim of his nose. then appeared a knox, a lovesick one at that, he opened the door, and closed it with his back, sighing lovesickly.

" how was the danburrys? " 

" huh? "   
" the danburrys? "

" awful, " knox smiled to himself.   
the boys exchanged glances.

" i met the most beautiful girl i have ever met. " knox pulled a chair with one hand while the other was holding his coat. he sat down using his available hand to hold his head. " chris, " he sighed lovingly.  
" so? " cameron piped in, hiding his pencil behind his ear.

" so? " knox mimicked. " it's a tragedy! she's practically engaged to chet danburry. mr. mondo jocko himself. " knox whined.

" that's too bad, " pitts pitied.   
" why does she have to be in love   
with such a idiotic jerk? " knox shouted.   
" all the good ones go for jerks. " pitts sighed.

" that's too bad, " cameron tried to be pitiful, but sounded deadpanned. " forget her, hey, take out your trig book and figure out problem twelve. " 

knox looked at cameron in awe.   
" i can't just forget her like that, cameron. and i certainly can't think about math. " knox moaned, rubbing his eyes.

" sure you can. you're off on a tangent so you're   
halfway into trig already! " meeks tried to crack a joke, but laughing at his very own.

" that was terrible. " pitts scoffed, smiling at meeks, he shrugged and grinned sheepishly. " i thought it was clever. " he beamed.

pitts rolled his eyes and changed the subject back to knox. " you have another choice? "

knox then dropped to his knees as if he were proposing. " only you, pittsie. " knox blinked lovingly. meeks cringed.  
" there's only you! " knox sighed lovingly. pitts playfully pushed him away and knox slumped back on his chair laughing. 

" god, you guys are such imbeciles. " cameron rubbed his eyes sighing. " admit it, you'll never survive without us! " charlie exaggerated, throwing a hand on his forehead to be more melodramatic.

suddenly, mr. mcallister boomed through the door, the boys who once occupied the room flooded out immediately. pitts hid the radio, hiding it on his lap.

" that wouldn't be a radio, would it, mr. pitts? "  
mr. mcallister called as boys passed him. " no sir! science excitement. radar. " pitts answered while meeks agreed.  
as soon as mr. mcallister drifted away from hearing distance pitts added another comment. 

" no, i'm just really excited to see you. " pitts rolled his eyes and met meeks, where he had a fit of laughter. pitts smiled gently, soaking up the laughter with pride. meanwhile, charlie caught up with knox.

" but seriously, did you see her naked? "  
" oh that's funny, charlie, real funny. " 

the boys all split up and went to their separate dorms, meeks laughter still to be heard down the hall, neil caught up with todd.

" todd, why'd you didn't sit with us? "  
" i-i er there wasn't enough room? " 

neil gave him a look, todd shifted eye contact, getting nervous each second. " there was plenty of room. " neil implied matter-of-factly. todd looked down at his books and looked back up. 

" i-i didn't feel right there, and plus, i didn't want to make everyone feel uncomfortable. " todd was now looking at neil, who furrowed his eyebrows. " todd, " neil blocked the entrance from their dorm. " they really don't hate you. it's just all in your head. they barely even know you to even judge you! " todd pushed through him, and slumped his books on his desk and fell on his bed. neil followed, closing the door behind him. 

" i know it's the first day, but i'm just trying to help you make new friends. " neil smiled weakly. todd lifted his head to meet neil's gaze. 

" i'm sorry if i'm coming off to strong, or, something. but i genuinely mean it. they aren't cruel what-so-ever. i mean, maybe cameron. but charlie's always there to smack him on the head! " he chuckled. todd smiled, which made neil awestruck, seeing someone, a guy like todd anderson, smile. " y-you aren't coming off to strong. i-i guess, " todd fiddled with his fingers.   
" i just, i-im not good with socializing with others, i guess. " todds smile faded into a frown. " the only person i ever talk to for once is you. besides, you're like th-the only person who's ever this sweet to me. " he chuckled half-heartedly. 

neil's face bloomed with blush, his mouth etching with a grin. " for real? " todd looked up and smiled bashfully and rolled his eyes. " for real. "   
neil sat down on his chair. " well, " neil started. " i never knew the todd anderson could ever be this sincere. " neil put a hand on his chest, batting his eyelashes jokingly. todd laughed, and to what neil referred his laughter to angels blissfully singing. 

" don't get used to it. " he murmured.  
the room was now quiet, comfortably quiet before. it was the type of quiet that the two both enjoyed to be in each other's presence even though they literally met one another twenty-four or so hours ago.

" well, i'm gonna get ready for bed. " neil sat up. " yeah, me too. " neil got up from his bed stretching, adding a yawn. " oh, so now todd wants to join me? " he teased, todd scoffed. 

" whatever, " todd shot back, following neil out of the dorm. 

for once, todd regrets thinking he was going to hate it here.


	4. iv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i love roman numerals 
> 
> and this is by far the last chapter i wrote in the wattpad, hopefully i’ll get the productivity to flow in my veins to continue the story !! 
> 
> ( this is also my favorite chapter ! that i’ve written thus far ! )

the following week each class was miserably long. todd obviously not being used to having this much amount of homework due in the next seventeen hours or so. todd sighed as setting his books down for one of his last few classes, mr. john keatings class; neil saw how stressed he was and threw a reassuring hand on todds shoulder. " you'll get used to this. " todd looked back and smiled meekly. neil returned to his seat, yelling at charlie for some reason, while meeks stood above pitts desk talking and giggling as if they were girls at a tea party, and obviously knox being lovesick over his new lover, and cameron folding his hands trying to shut everyone up.

mr. keating came into the class, the room being deadly quiet, which the only sound that was left accompanied the room was him whistling the 1812 overture. 

" good evening, " mr. keating beamed at the students, smiling at each and every unique face, where some exchanged tired blinking eyes to plastered on smiles, to just plain stares at his genuine smile. keating sat down on his chair, opening a thick book. " now, open your Pritchard text to page twenty-one of the introduction. mr. perry, " he started glancing at neil for a moment. neil looked up, pushing his glasses back to the rim of his nose. " sir? " he called. " kindly read aloud the first paragraph of the preface entitled 'understanding poetry.' "  
the room filled with books being opened to pages being flipped, todd looked around and copied the action. 

" understanding poetry, by dr. j. evan, " he cleared his throat, then began to read. todd looked around the room, losing interest of the passage but certainly not losing interest on neil. he watched the little small things he did while he read, like push up his glasses, or play with the eraser at the end of his pencil, digging into it with his nail. he twirled the pencil in his hand and glanced up at todd for a moment, smiling for a swift moment and accidentally losing where he left off. todd shifted eye contact, pretending to be watching pitts and meeks throw things at each other carefully, and quietly; also jokingly trying not to be caught. 

get bent. meeks mouthed, a smile curling onto his lips. pitts stuck his tongue out at him for a simple response, giving todd more concern that these boys act more like third graders than their supposed age. he sighed, getting a quick glance at neil before copying keatings little graph. 

-  
" that was the most fun ive ever had in years. " neil said, exiting the classroom along with the rest of the group. todd looked up at neil and nodded silently. 

" really? when was the last time you've ever had fun? " a smug grin etched along charlie's face. neil's reply was a simple eye roll. 

" oh, quiet charlie. stop being all that. " cameron chimes in. " what did i do? " charlie started, now walking in front of cameron and started to walk backwards to face him. " i just asked a question! " he hollered. " yeah, a stupid inappropriate one. " cameron mumbled. the two started to bicker, making the five others beg for the lord to just to zip their mouths up. knox finally spoke up. 

" shut up already, you guys sound worse than   
my parents arguing. " the others started to laugh, making cameron and charlie blush embarrassingly. " as if i would want to be married to richard cameron himself. " charlie spat. cameron raised his eyebrows.

" you think you're all hot shit don't you? "  
charlie nodded " yeah, duh. " charlie mouthed the word loser to cameron and then ran shoving into students, which made cameron run after him.

" finally, some peace and quiet. " pitts sighed.  
the others agreed, and went to their separate dorms, already hearing cameron and charlie bicker through the walls. neil aimlessly dropped all of his books and other belongings on his desk and soon after slammed himself onto his bed, and sighed relieved that classes are finally over. todd on the other hand, carefully placed his books on his desk, and started to work on his homework rather procrastinate.

" what the hell are you doing, todd? " neil lifted up his head, seeing an already todd doing his work, as if he had nothing better to do. neil smiled, concerned. 

" doing my work? " todd answered more in a questioned tone, he didn't look back at neil, since he was finishing writing a sentence. neil sighed in astonishment. and let his head fall back onto his bed. " i suppose all andersons are like this. " todd chuckled at neil's comment, which made neil smile beamingly.   
" i guess so. "

the two laid in comfortable silence, neil, stayed on his bed and closed his eyes and daydreamed, while the noise of todd dotting i's and scribbling a bunch of other nonsense onto paper accompanied the silence. though, that silence did not last for long when the noise of the door swung open to see a sweating charlie dalton. the two both looked at him surprised.  
" what'd you do charlie, run a marathon? "

charlie smirked at his comment. " playing soccer, you in? " he rested his shoulder on the frame of the door. neil looked out the window, and then looked back at the sweating charlie.   
" alright, only if you use deodorant because you, fine man, smell like piss. " charlie laughed and closed the door. neil got off his bed and started to unbutton his shirt. 

" hey, todd, do you mind joining us? "   
neil asked, todd turned to face him, biting his lip. " no thanks. " he finally answered. neil stopped unbuttoning his shirt and frowned at the dirty blonde boy ahead of him. " why not? "

" not really my thing? "  
" come on now, didnt you do soccer at your old school? "  
" yeah but- "

" no buts! " neil started to finish unbuttoning his shirt and took off his pants to put on some shorts. todd looked away giving neil some privacy. " you don't have to play, just accompany me while me and the others play, alright? " todd sighed, and nodded, finally caving in from neil's begs. neil threw on a t-shirt very quickly and pulled at todd's chair.   
" lets go, slow poke! "

\- 

todd brought his algebra book with him to go work on some assigned problems, every time he lost interest in one of them, he'd focus his interest on watching neil play soccer with the rest of his friends. todd thought to himself the guy was surely fit for a thin man, and full of energy he admitted. he didn't really acknowledge the fact that he was secretly admiring neil, but did so anyways. 

neil stopped for a bit catching his breath, and bent, his hands on his knees. he took a side glance at todd who was under a nicely shaded tree. he caught todd's eyes and he quickly looked away, scribbling away at his notebook pretending he wasn't looking at him. neil smiled and went over to todd and sat next to him. 

" having fun with algebra? "  
" you smell like sweat, " todd laughed, avoiding the first question. neil pointed over to the water bottle at todd's side and todd gave it to him, he gulped away at it. " you seemed like you were having a hell of a time. " neil shrugged, wiping away the dripping water from his mouth with his arm. " it was alright, i guess i'm out of shape because i got tired too easily. " todd looked at him amused at his little comment. " you? out of shape? you got to be kidding me. " he chuckled. " you're practically an underwear modeler. " neil raised his eyebrows and smirked. " what gives you that idea? " todd blushed and started to look at his notebook, neil laughed once again, and todd had a little smile to himself admiring how sweet his laugh sounded. " im teasing you, anyway, how are the hell are you understanding that algebra stuff? i was not even paying attention. " neil looked over todd's shoulder and toss started to explain it to him.

meanwhile, at the distance, charlie and knox looked at the two boys under the tree concerned. " they look at each other like if their newly weds. " charlie commented. knox nodded, furrowing his eyebrows. " over algebra? seriously like who even enjoys the idea of it? " knox adds. charlie looks at him dumbfounded.

" what? " he asks, defensively.  
" moron, look at the way they look at each other. " knox looked at them for a minute and looked back at charlie. " like guys? " charlie shook his head, " nevermind. you're too lovesick to understand anything. " 

" hey ! " neil calls at the group, and he gets all of their attention. " im gonna go back into the dorm with todd, since i wanna start doing my work since i don't want to get demerits because of not doing it. " charlie gave him a thumbs up. " enjoy algebra, lovebirds. " charlie mocked. neil waved his hand at him and beckoned todd to follow him to the dorm, where he was flustered over charlie's comment. 

charlie sighed, " come on let's play one last game, pitts, meeks, stop sissying around and pass the ball! "


	5. v

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to another new chapter !!
> 
> and wow i apologize for this complete  
> ass writing it’s not my intention TO WRITE THIS BAD 
> 
> thank you for your support, it’s much appreciated <33

it’s merely november now, and kids at welton are already talking about winter break. the weather has gotten bitterly colder in delaware, the leaves make a cracky sound when stepped on rather than crunched, it’s a basic transition to the ending of fall, to winter. 

majority of the boys are well excited for going back home to see their parents and family. ( more for the presents and food if anything ) but todd, he despises this kind of time of the year, and this upcoming break. well, he doesn’t mind the time of year too much, he loves how where they live gets early winters, and the crunched leaves are now buried in thick snow. also adding with the scenery trees powdered with snow.

todd gets interrupted with his sour train of thought with an energetic brunette boy smiling. 

“ you gonna eat those meatballs? ” neil nudged todds shoulder, to which he responded with a scoff and a blush that bloomed across the bridge of his nose.

“ w-well, yes i’m planning to. ” he shly stated, and continued to eat the now cold meatball on his plate, along with the rest of his food. 

neil have a defeated sigh, and continued to devour his meal. he gave a side glance to todd, to now slowly chewing his food while drifting off to space. it’s rather impossible to drift off to space, sure the nose of the many voices in the lunchroom eventually collide together in an oddly peacefully manner. but, the table that they sit in, with charlie’s thunderous laughter and remarks, mixed with knox’s venting about chris’ beauty, and on top of it all meeks and pitts teasing around with each other. 

neil stopped chewing and faced todd, his eyes tracing his jawline and his small moles intact into his skin.

“ are you alright? ” neil asked reassuringly.

todd dropped out of his reflection, the blush now returning to the bridge of his nose. “ yes? ” he giggled nervously. 

neil pursed his lips, “ you sure? you’re awfully quiet, which knowing you is normal. but this kind of quiet isn’t like you. ” he emphasized the ‘this’ in his sentence. 

todd looked away from the brunette, now biting his lips. he let out a soft chuckle.   
“ i’m okay, i’m just thinking about how much i don’t wanna see my parents. that’s all. ” 

neil nodded. “ oh, well okay then. you wanna talk about it? ”

“ no. ” the dirty blonde replied, wiping his lips with his napkin, mustered with sauce. he pulled himself out the lunch table to throw out his tray, while neil watched, once again pursing his lips.

he knew todd had a tough shell, and he’s one of those kids who melt into the background. and you’ll never remember them until you see their face in your yearbook in a couple of years down the road. 

but a part of neil was so fixated on him, and he just wanted to rip every part of todds hard shell just to know his soft insides. 

and just as his thoughts were getting somewhere, his thoughts got interrupted by mr. nolan’s piercing scowling. 

—

“ hey, ” neil smiled softly to his roommate, and todd exchanged the smile with a nod while finishing the remaining of the algebraic expression he was working on.

neil flopped onto his bed, but quickly hoisting himself up to ponder at dirty blonde in front of him. he fiddled with the pencil he had in his hand, wondering why he was such in a sour mood earlier.

“ what’s up with you? ” neil flatly says it, his eyebrows furrowed. todd blinked, and turned his head to the side. 

“ nothing, d-do i look upset? ” he scoffed.

“ uh, yeah. ” neils tone sounded sarcastic which made him flinch.

todd sighed, accompanied with a hand running through his dirty blonde hair. he turned to face neil and loosely made eye contact with him. “ is this about how i was acting in lunch? ”

neil nodded, his lips pursed. it was kinda his way for todd to continue his explanation why he was so closed off.

“ i’m sorry, it’s just that i’m not comfortable yet to talk about my problems with you. that’s all. ” todd shrugged. neil furrowed his eyebrows, “ are you ever gonna be? ” 

his comeback towards the aloof boy made him sink into his chair. “ i-i don’t know, ” he mumbled while his eyes soullessly stared into the wood. neil rolled his eyes. 

“ i get it todd, you’re a quiet kinda guy. but remember what i said earlier? the meek inherent the earth but don’t go far? i get that you’re not comfortable about talking about stuff, and i respect that. but you can’t bottle things up. i kinda care about you, you know? ”

todd blinked at the last sentence and looked up to meet neils half hearted smile.   
he chucked and said “ maybe.. i just don’t like thanksgiving as much as i’m supposed to. ”

neil did his iconic little grin, “ yeah, me too. family kinda sucks at times. ” 

todd nodded and added a “ yeah ” at the end.

—

the day of thanksgiving arrived, and everyone was back at home with their extended families. charlie was enjoying his loud and obnoxious yet loving family, to where pitts was stuck in a middle of a political thanksgiving and there wasn’t an escape.

but for todd he dreaded it.

todds family was at the table, they said their prayers and began to eat. his mom and father sat next to his older brother, both of them beaming with pride to sit next to the older brunette. meanwhile, todd sat on the opposite with his grandfather, nagging about how life drastically changed when he was younger. 

his family wouldn’t stop asking questions to jeffrey about the college life. his grades were flourishing, along with his looks. he even was accepted into going to a trip with one of his professors to the galapagos islands. all this succeeding news pouring out of his older brothers mouth was exhausting and boring. 

until, jeffrey asked how todd was doing.

“ so uh.. todd. how are ya? any friends in welton? any teachers talking about me? ” he smirked at the last sentence which made the table laugh a bit.

todd blinked surprised he was even given a chance to speak. “ u-uhm, well. ” he managed to say he started rubbing his hands together underneath the table, his way to cope with the major anxiety of everyone looking at him, unamused. 

“ i made a friend, ” he mumbled.

“ a friend? ” his mother asked in shock.

“ y-yeah, his names neil. neil perry. ” he smiled after saying neils name but quickly pursed his lips still seeing his so called family blinking and nodding nonchalantly. 

“ oh yeah. think i know one of the perrys.. anywho, jeffrey tell us more about this what you call.. galápagos islands? ” his father fixed his glasses and looking back at the brunette.

todd looked down at his half eaten plate, and smiled to himself.


	6. vi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the dorks get closer, and the boys find a strange book their english teacher was in !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi !! tysm for reading <3 stay safe + washing ur hands is cool B)

the dirty blonde boy was already up at 4. the excitement of going back to welton was oddly peculiar, only because he has never looked any more forward to going back to school. he claims it's because he's away from his materialistic mother and his consumer of a father, ( which is partly true. ) but it's mostly because of neil.

on the day where the boys had to be picked up from their parents, neil and todd were outside, waiting for their parents to pick them up. they sat on the cracked steps giggling and laughing about stupid boyish things. after the laughter stopper, neil bit his lip.

" hey.. if thanksgiving gets a little too hectic for you, or if you miss me.. " neil joked, which todd reacted by shoving him teasingly. 

" here's my number. " the brunette pulled out a pen from his blazer and grabbed todds arm. his eyebrows raised, blush blooming on his tanish skin. neil pushed the loose sleeve on todds arm and began to write digits. 

" if you hear a grumpy old man, or, a sweet old lady. it's my parents so just hang up. alright? " todd nodded, then looking down at the digits neil frantically written. 

and so, todd took advantage of the calls. and ironically enough, those calls got them closer than ever before.

they talked about deep stuff, silly stuff, family issues, or just venting. anything you could ever imagine. 

todd felt like he's made an actual genuine best friend. and god, how he's completely soaking up in that idea of being neil perry's best friend.

he looked at himself the mirror for the fourth time today, usually this is not like him. he tries to avoid the mirror in any possible way he could. but this time, he wanted to look at least presentable coming back. 

he went chirpily went down the stairs, his luggage in hand. his mom with hot rollers in her hair looked todd up and down. she plastered on a smile. 

" aren't cha' a little chipper this morning? " her voice was laced with confusion. 

" no, just wanna get everything ready that's all. " todd replied, getting the eggs out of the fridge. 

she hummed, pouring herself a cup of coffee. she left the kitchen but then popped her head back in. 

" oh hey, todd? your father and i aren't going to drive you to welton today. " she looked at her coffee, stirring it aimlessly.

the brunette froze while cracking an egg into the pan. which unfortunately for him, some of the egg white splashed onto his blazer.

" w-what? who will? " he stammered his voice more laced with anger than in a questionable tone. 

" your brother silly. now, look at you. you're all dirty. get some paper towels and fix your blazer. " she then finally walked away, her footsteps traveling back upstairs. 

todd groaned and hit his head on a cabinet, which he regretted and flinched at the pain.

— 

in the car, the tension was thick. as if you were able to hold the atmosphere in that car with your hands.

jeffery dodged his eyes to his younger brother, who had a stern, nonchalant expression painted on his face. he thought of small talk.

" damn, whats with you? did you forget to powder up or something? " jeffery joked, todd reacted with rolling his eyes.

" just pissed dad couldn't drive me. " he responded.

" well he drunk a lot last night, cut the guy some slack. " jeffery defended.

" but mom couldve- " before he could even finish jeffery interrupted. 

" ma doesn't like driving. besides, it's a mans job to do the driving. " todd scoffed at his comment. 

" you also messed up my old blazer, whats with the egg stain? " he teased but got no reaction out of him.

a couple minutes passed, and jeffery had the perfect conversation starter up his sleeve. mostly just to see his brother squirm in his seat. " soo.. whats with this neil guy? you dating him? " he laughed, taking out a cigarette from his pocket. 

he got the reaction he wanted. todds eyes widen like saucers, with his hands now fiddling with his pant leg. 

" no, jeffery. he's just my best friend. " todd stammered looking out the window.

" oh, do you have matching bracelets with him? that's cute. "

" fuck off jeffery. " 

" woah, cool yourself, bucko.  
we're just talking. " he said while putting the cigarette in his lips. 

— 

finally the long dreadful ride was over and he was in front of the welton chapel. he scanned around the meeting spot neil said he'd be in, and thankfully, he was. he tried to hide his smile but it was too big to even hide. he brother glanced at him and furrowed his eyebrows. until a old man knocked on his window. jeffery pulled it down and instantly glued on one of his iconic smiles. it was mr. nolan.

" goodness, is this the one and only mr. anderson? " he smiled, lowering his glasses a bit to see. 

with nolan and jeffery making small talk, it was his plan to escape. 

he quickly ducked out the car and got his suitcase and walked straight toward neil.

" hey, palós. " the brunette waved his hand. the nickname " palós " was given to him since it's the chopped off word of " ntropalós " which meant shy, or bashful. the chipper boy didn't feel like always saying that huge word. so he chopped it off and calls him palós. 

" h-hey, neil. " todd smiled bashfully. he looked back, still seeing mr. nolan talking time jeffery like a school girl talking to the man elvis presley himself. 

" lets go to our dorm? " todd briefly said.  
neil agreed by walking into the chapel. 

—

the boys reunited all giving each other hugs and slaps on the back, except for cameron of course. since he refuses any kind of that.

charlie nuzzled todds head, " hows it hanging, anderson? " todd giggled. " it's swell, how about it, dalton? " he remarked.

charlie raised his eyebrows. " damn, look at the confidence at this kid ! i'm quivering in my boots right now. " charlie laughed, which earned him a punch from neil. 

charlies smile then drooped into a serious tone. " alright, is everyone in here? knox? meeksie? pitts? " everyone replied with a yup. leaving cameron with a " i'm here too. " charlie nodded to that remark and began to close the door.

" oh god, he's gonna kill us. " meeks cried jokingly. 

charlie hushed him. " everyone simmer down. i found a book. "

" wow. so you're gonna read it? " neil recommended which made todd laugh, the brunette smiled even wider. 

" can everyone shut up with the remarks? good. okay. so look what i found. a book, and you know our crazy literature teacher? he was apart of some club. "

everyone looked at each other with the same questionable face. 

" called the dead poets society. " the smug brunette swiftly pulled out the book from his bag and showing it off as if it were a jewel. 

the boys crowded around charlie, scanning the pages and poetry written inside this book.

cameron squirmed a bit " isn't this illegal? "

charlie rolled his eyes. " what reading a book is illegal? it's a book, nothing more. " cameron pursed his lips and looked over at knox, who just shrugged in response to cameron's anxiousness. 

" lets ask him about it ! " pitts recommenced. everyone agreed well, of course not cameron still unsure. 

" oh cameron, please. grow up. " charlie sighed looking up at cameron.

" i agree with pitts. let's see what he's gotta say? " knox threw a arm around pitts. 

" alright then, " charlie stood up. " lets find captain ! " everyone cheered ironically and all swarmed out the door, leaving cameron begging them to not confront a teacher.

neil looked behind him, seeing the blonde boy lost in thought. 

" you alright, palós? " he asked throwing a arm around him as well.

" huh? yeah. i don't know, i just got a weird feeling about this. " neil waved a hand at him. 

" sure it's nothing, now race you to the boys ! whoever's last has to do all their trig work ! " neil hit todds chest and ran after the door.

" what? n-neil ! please don't do this to me. " he begged and ran after the energetic brunette.

oh, how sweet it was to be back at welton.


	7. vii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! it's been a while  
> since i last updated,  
> i'm so sorry for this being a huge  
> chapter, it's a stupid filler chapter but !! i guarantee the next chapter will be up quicker with more anderperry content <3  
> stay safe !! ily guys

they found the charismatic teacher walking where the wind was taking him on the field. he was in the miss of so many rambunctious kids scrambled around him playing all sorts of games soccer, to rugby. 

charlie was ahead of the group, next to him was knox; having an arm slung around cameron. trying to soothe him down about what the rebellious brunette did was fine. behind were pitts, while meeks kept purposefully stepping on the back of his shoe to make the lanky boy annoyed. lastly were neil and todd, giggling and teasing each other about the little inside jokes they created while on thanksgiving break.

" mr. keating? " charlie called out. stepping slowly while switching the book on his dominant hand. the teacher continued to walk, still humming a familiar tune. the boys stopped talking and doing their separate things and stared.

" o' captain, my captain? " neil called, walking in front of everyone and ended up next to charlie. todd slowly followed behind him. playing with the seems of his jacket.

" gentlemen, " the older man turned around, a smile etching onto his face. the boys giggled. charlie looked at the book swiftly, and handed it to the man. " i found this in the schools library, is-is this you? " he questioned, his eyes looked back toward the man to the book. he furrowed his eyebrows, and took the book from the boys hand.

" oh, " he sighed. " no, no. that's not me. " he joked, then laughed; his laughter was laced with nostalgia in a way. 

neil looked back at charlie and then the boys, knox nodded along with charlie. the brunette began to kneel. 

" sir, what was the dead poets society? " he bit his lip, eager to hear the teachers response. mr. keating turned slowly, he was hesitant with his answer. " gentlemen, " he shifted his weight. " will you keep a secret? " 

the group of boys looked at each other and nodded, all of their faces were stern besides cameron, his face completely yelled with worry. they all kneeled along with neil and mr. keating. " the dead poets, " he sighed, swift memories began to appear in his memory. " were dedicated to sucking the marrow out of life. that phrase.. from thoreau that we'd invoke at the beginning of each meeting. " he looked up at the boys ahead of them, comprehending the information the older man was telling them. 

" you see we'd gather at the old indian cave and take turns reading from thoreau, whitman, shelley; the biggies. even some of our own verse. and in the enchantment of the moment we'd let poetry work its magic. " he closed the book and handed it to charlie softly, he hesitantly took the book from him, his eyebrows still furrowed about the information mr. keating was telling him.

" so, " knox laughed. " it was just a bunch of guys sitting around and reading poetry? " he turned his head, a playful smile still on his lips.

" no, it wasn't just a bunch of guys, mr. overstreet. " he rolled his eyes, and lifted himself up, the boys mimicked his action. he began to walk more, the boys also mimicked this. " we weren't a greek organization.. we were romantics. we didn't just read poetry, we let it drip from our tongues like honey. " he turned around mimicking the movement of honey dripping from his tongue. then he clapped his hands together. 

" spirits soared, women swooned, and gods were created. gentlemen, not a bad way to spend an evening eh? anyway. thank you mr. dalton for this trip down amnesia lane. burn that, especially my picture. " he turned around once more swiftly pointing at the book charlie held, he looked down at it and grinned smugly. 

and so, the teacher continued to walk away, humming once again that familiar tune. the boys were left there, stunned. 

" dead poets society.. " neil repeated under his breath, a smile still on his lips. 

" what? " cameron asked, looking around if anyone was just as confused as he was. 

charlie rolled his eyes and hit him on the back of his red head. " were you paying attention? you dingbat. " he yelled, then hit the redhead on the back of the head. cameron flinched and looked at charlie, his eyes filled with rage. 

neil turned around to look at everyone.  
" i say we go tonight. " his smile was wider than ever. what neil said made todd gulp, but that nervousness was drifted over admiration with the huge smile neil had on his lips.

" tonight? " charlie repeated, he whipped his head back at the brunette, his hand still in midair about to hit the redhead again. he walked toward neil and threw an arm around him. 

" yeah, let's go tonight ! " he nodded with him and neil laughed. 

" wait a minute- " cameron stepped forward but got cut off. 

" we don't even know what cave he's talking about, where even is it? " pitts scratched his head and knox nodded with him. 

" it's beyond a stream i know a way. " he smirked. 

" that's miles ! " pitts groaned. meeks patted his back and said " it's okay, you got lanky legs. it'll be quicker for you to walk. " he looked up at him.

" sounds boring to me, " cameron mumbled into the collar of his shirt. 

the bell rung, they started to walk back.  
" then please, don't go. " charlie heard the bothered mumbling and looked back at him. 

" do you know how much demerits we're talking about? " his voice was louder and more stern, like if he was lecturing a child. " tons ! "

pitts agreed, " me n' meeks already got demerits for just talking, i don't wanna do this. " he started to walk ahead of everyone, meeks followed along. 

" his grades are hurting, charlie. " meeks pushed up his glasses and looked back at charlie.  
" then meeks, you can help him ! " charlie offered. 

" you boys over there ! hurry up. " mr. hager demanded and motioned them to come in. 

" we just can't get caught, " cameron yelled.

" no shit, sherlock ! " charlie remarked. 

neil stopped dead in his tracks, he looked at the boys. 

" alright, who's in? " his famous smile etched onto his lips. 

" i'm in. " charlie said proudly, pounding his chest. 

cameron looked at charlie and sighed, " me too. " charlie smiled at him and stuck out his tongue. 

" yeah, me too ! " pitts smiled.

" yeah, i'll try anything once. " meeks started to run to the door to catch it, and the boys flooded in. 

" except sex ! " charlie howelled and earned a couple of laughs and high fives. 

charlie got the door from meeks and waited for knox, he shook his head and looked down at his feet. 

" i don't know, charlie. "  
" aw what? come on knox, it'll help you get chris. " he sung it at the end of his sentence.

knox's eyes turned wide. " r-really? how? "

" women swoon ! " charlie laughed and ran inside to catch up with the others, knox stayed in place for a second, in frustration for not a solid answer. 

" why do they swoon? charlie, tell me why they swoon ! charlie !! " he begged for an answer.

——

the boys were found later in the day at the library, it was after lunch and usually after lunch some days were left with a small free period. 

a map was laid out on the faded wooden table, pens and different index fingers were pointed at several directions on the map. 

" i don't know, " cameron gulped and looked at the others. " it sounds dangerous. "

" then why don't you stay home, pansy? " charlie remarked while flicking the temple of the redheads head. 

" charlie you're such a jerk, " he whispered yell. the two began to argue while knox tried to break it up. neil looked down at the table, noticing how todd moved a bit far from the group.

he furrowed his eyebrows and scooted close to the dirty blonde, who looked soaked up in his thoughts trying to read the book in his hands instead. 

" todd? hey, " he whispered softly. todd looked up to see neil, his eyes soft and a small grin on his face. todd always loved to see neil so soft, it always made him melt.

he smiled back, and bent the page he currently was on and closed the book. this offered neil to continue. neil flicked his eyes to the book and started playing with the cover. " so, are you coming tonight? " todds smile dropped and shifted his weight, the brunette studied him.

he notices how he plays with his hands a lot when he's nervous, he also notices how he shifts his eye contact when he doesn't want to answer a specific question.  
" i don't know, neil. " he huffed.

" what? why not? " 

todd lingered on him for a bit, meeting neil's warm chocolate eyes. he sighed. " god, you were there. you heard keating. don't you want to do something about it? " 

he stayed quiet for a bit biting his lip.  
" yes- but- "  
" yes, but what? " he mimicked.

" k-keating said you had to take turns reading, and i don't wanna do that. " he glanced away from him, rubbing his hands together.

neil furrowed his eyebrows and moved toward todd he scoffed, " gosh, you really have a problem with that, don't you? " 

he hated when neil always pushed him to do things that he wasn't ready to do yet. him and neil are polar opposites when it comes to these things, neil should know that. he wasn't ready to come out of his comfort zone.

frustrated, he stood from the bench where neil and him were once sitting. " i don't have a problem, neil. " he peered down at a the optimistic brunette. " i-i just dont want to do it okay? stop forcing me to do things when i genuinely don't want to do them. i'm not like you. don't you know that? " he viciously pried the book from neils hands. 

" i'm gonna go to our dorm. talk to me when you don't wanna pressure me into doing things i just don't want to do. " and he left.

neil was stunned, he's never seen todd so upset over something. he sighed and rubbed his face, reminiscing the past conversation and where he screwed up. 

from afar, charlie watched the whole thing unfold. he abandoned the never argument with cameron and went to investigate what happened between the two " lovers " as charlie liked to label them. 

" what- charlie come back ! " cameron whined, and charlie went over to neil and plopped beside the regretful brunette. he jumped a bit, not knowing charlie would appear out of the blue. 

" so what happened over there, couples quarrel? " charlie teased. 

" w-what? no, no. it's nothing. " neil sighed, still holding up his head with his two hands. 

he didn't have to say anything else, because neil always vented out whatever that distressed him. charlie just had that aurora, he supposed. or, it's that he's known neil the longest out of the boys. 

1..2..3..

" it's that- i was kinda pressuring todd to come along with us tonight to the old indian cave. " a frown was still upon his lips and moved his head a bit to meet charlie's eyes.

charlie hummed i'm response, playing with the buttons on his sleeve. he flicked his head toward the brunette and asked, " why do you care so much? " a question that really struck neil.

" what? " he laughed nervously, he lifted his hands away from his chin and looked at him at dismay. 

charlie shrugged. " you clearly want him to go, why? " 

neil bit his lip, he continued.

" you've only known him for what? three? four months? and you're already captivated by him. you're always around him, you worry about him. you don't want him excluded. and it amazes me. " charlie pushed even more.

" i-i- " he ran a hand threw his hair, leaving it all messy. 

" i think i've noticed it out of all the boys, since well, i'm more self aware. " he joked. but it didn't make neil laugh. it was quiet. neil didn't know what to say, he hasn't thought about it.

thankfully, to neils premise the bell rung for next period. he jumped out of the bench the two were sitting on and plastered a smile.

" yeah, i should apologize to him. better go to class. you shouldn't be late either. " he babbled. and soon, he was lost in the sea of boys. charlie kept his eyes linger on neil until the sea of boys devoured him. he eventually stood up from the bench and helped knox pack everything away.

—

neil has never been this excited to go to a boring chemistry class. he kept looking at the clock then the teacher, his words slowly  
molding into nonsense. his foot was bobbing up and down, just waiting to go to last period.

todd and him had chemistry along with four other classes. chemistry was their last period, and they usually walked back to the dorm together. todd was stuck in a corner, he thought. he was bound to apologize to him either way.

finally the bell rung, he swiftly gathered his things and ran out the door. he ignored the bitter men scowling at him for running in the halls, but he didn't care. he just wanted to see todd.

he made it to his destination, he plopped all of his stuff on the black tabletop and sat on his stool. he fixed his hair and moved his blazer a bit, you always have to look presentable for an apology, no? 

he kept looking at the door and ahead at the blackboard, changing his gaze because he didn't want to look like a creep or let todd know he was waiting for him this long.

as his classmates poured in, he tried to find a noticeable feature of todds. finally, the dirty blonde appeared and he smiled.

" hi. " he said again and smiled at todd. basically acting like a total kiss-ass towards him.

todd looked at him deadpanned, he tried not to cave into neils sweetness. he wants to stand up for himself this time. so he just ignored him. he pulled at his stool, pulling it a bit away from neil. he started to sort his things out. neil watched him.

neil thought it was a rather childish thing to do, but it was todd for gods sake, so he gets a pass on it. 

and during the lesson, he was surprised he didn't run out of paper from the  
amount of paper footballs he made that were filled with written apologies he wrote for todd. 

each time he flicked one, todd would instantly rip them into shreds, or throw it onto the ground. 

neil got a bit resentful toward this, but tried to not pay too much attention since afterall, he may might've deserved this quiet treatment. 

" pssst, todd. " he whispered. todds eyes flicked to the side, meeting neils head directly pointed at him.

the boy huffed and rolled his eyes while also resting his head on his left hand. neil pursed his lips. " can you listen to me? please. " neil cooed. todd slowly looked at the boy, his eyebrows raised lazily. he shrugged and offered him to continue. he loved to hear what he's gotta say.

neil grinned, " okay, so- " before he could even finish, he was interrupted by the teacher. " you boys there ! " he scowled. 

" if i hear another peep back there, mr. anderson, and mr. perry. a weeks worth of demerits. " the boys nodded solemnly. which made todd's eyes seem like daggers when he looked at neil. 

that didn't stop neil, though.

" what if, " he bit his lip, he carefully chose his words so he wouldn't upset todd again.  
" you didn't have to read? what if you just came and listened? " 

todd looked at him and through gritted teeth, he whispered: " neil, shut up. " he ignored it and continued.

" forget how mr. keating said it worked, what if - what if they said it was okay? " neil whispered, his eyes still tracing todds features waiting for a positive response.

todd pursed his lips, and finally gave an answer. " what, so you're just gonna go up and ask them? " 

" well, not now. "

" no-no neil, you don't have to ask anyone. "

and so, to that answer neil responded with his famous grin. todd gave him a look, a look saying please don't.

the bell thankfully rung, meaning the school day was over, a wave of relieved sighs were heard from across the classroom. 

" you're gonna like it. " neil still grinned and gave todd a little push on the shoulder. 

todd plastered on a smile, and caved.  
" yeah, okay. " he sighed.


	8. viii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO UPDATES IN A ROW !!  
> HELL YEAH !! <3
> 
> stay safe omg ily all !!!!
> 
> i also didn’t proof read this enough  
> so if there’s any horrible writing i’m sorry?? terribly sorry

todd was already in his pajamas ready to go to bed, hoping, and praying, that neil forgot to ask the others if it was okay if he attended as an  
" audience " member. 

but, his praying didn't do much. the angels werent on his side apparently that moment.  
he was brushing his teeth, while the well known geek in his grade, spaz, was getting teased for having asthma. all the voices collided into white noise as he spit into the sink. 

he felt a tap on his shoulder, he saw neil. his iconic grin was formed upon his lips, and usually he would admire this grin, but right now, this wasnt a good sign for the boy.

" you're in. " he winked and left the bathroom to somewhere else. todd stood there and blinked, dumbfounded. 

he stood there what felt like a couple seconds and his train of thought got interrupted by an angsty boy. " you done brushing your teeth, or what? " he threatened.

—

todd waited for neil to come back in their dorm. he sat on his bed, picking at his nails waiting for the chipped door to be open by neil once again.

what felt like absolute ages, he came back, todd picked himself up hastily. " neil- " he said almost in an relieving way. " hey, " he hummed, now having a flashlight and a book in his hands. he placed the flashlight on his desk and peered into their closet, trying to find his jacket. 

oh no. he thought, we're actually doing this.

todd lifted himself out of bed and grabbed the book out of neils hands. the brunette looked back at him, his eyebrows furrowed. he turned his head a bit and scoffed. " are you planning to give that back? " he joked, trying to find an answer in todds eyes. 

he saw nothing but pure worry, neil closed the closet a bit. " what are you so worried about? you're not going to read anything out loud, you're fine. " he reassured, now closing the closet and resting on it for support. he folded his arms, waiting for a response.

" i-i can't go, neil- " todd pleaded. the boy ahead of him frowned, his whole facial expression changed. " todd, please. " he rested a hand on his shoulder. 

todds skin blossomed into blush, he looked back at the hand then neil. " you're gonna be okay; okay? it's in your head ! everyone likes you. i like you. " he put an accent on when he said the " i " part. he smiled warmly and the anxious blonde. 

" they don't have a problem with you, they hardly know you to even judge you. and if anything happens, like if cameron teases you, or charlie- i'll tell them to back off. i want you to enjoy yourself. " his smile now showed teeth, it made todd almost turn to a puddle of goo.

he was amazed to have such an amazing friend like neil, he was so reassuring towards him and also so protective. he broke into a smile too.

" i'll go, just only to see you screw up reading something. " he giggled, which in exchange made the brunette giggle too. they stopped and looked at each other. without realizing, he moved his hand to brush todds cheek. 

oh shit.

todds eyes widen, now he's heating up even more, his skin more hotter than the current room they're standing in. neil did the same thing, he took back the book and laughed awkwardly.

" so, " he coughed but his voice cracked as if he was a 12 year old boy. 

" what coat do you want? "  
todd giggled at his voice cracking. his face still in bloom with blush.

" the one with the fluffy hood. "

—

it was 12:30 in the morning. the first door to unlock was charlie's and cameron's.

charlie opened to view if any of the doors opened, and in a matter of seconds across from his, neil's and todd's opened. across the hallway, knox's door opened, then finally, pitts and meeks. 

first, was knox to leave his dorm, refusing to even wake up his roommate. he motioned the rest to come.

" this is a bad idea, " cameron whispered to charlie's ear. he swatted him away with another remark. " your mom giving birth to you was a bad idea. " he grumbled hardly even above a whisper.

neil looked back at todd, he looked down, and saw him picked at his nails in absolute worry if they were going to get caught.

" you ready? " he smiled softly at todd.  
todd nodded " yes. "

neil was the second one to get out, along with todd. he then motioned charlie to come out. 

charlie did too, he softly tip toed his way out of the dorm and looked back at cameron and signaled him to close the door.

they all met up with knox, they all looked at pitts, and he beamed proudly and lifted up the dog treats in his hand to distract the night dogs that guarded the school ground.

they would question why he had dog treats, but they'll do it for another time.

they swiftly went through every hallway, every curve, and every brick wall you could ever imagine. and finally, they found their way out of another chapel.

then, they flicked on their flashlights and started to run. they ran, some laughed, some of them huffed and asked how long it was till they were far from the school.

finally, they were greeted with trees scattered everywhere, along with leaves and branches scrambled along the ground. 

neil turned back to reassure himself todd was still there, as he turned around he was greeted to see the dirty blonde hitting his flashlight. he smiled once again. " you okay ? " he cooed. todd nodded, and hummed in response he looked down at his flashlight. " it's not really working. " he chuckled.

then neil let out an arm, " here, " todd looked up. " just hold onto my sleeve so you won't get eaten by the goblins who live in these woods. "

todd laughed and shoved neil a bit. he let out a hand and twitched it a bit, but then finally grabbed onto his sleeve. neil looked back at the dirty blonde one more time, and looked ahead of him.

" 'heard that the goblins usually eat people who are afraid to read in public, palós ! " he teased which earned him a " shut up ! " from todd.

charlie was one of the first to find the cave. so he did what he knew best, he hid behind a tree and awaited for a paranoid redhead to scare. since he hasn't scared meeks i'm a while, might as well. as he heard him drew closer, he jumped out.

"arrrrr i'm a dead poet ! " he said, his voice strained and worn out. he jumped with a shriek, almost jumping into pitts arms.  
his ears reddened with embarrassment, but luckily it was too dark to tell.

" awww charlie ! " he grunted, he earned a laugh from pitts and knox.

" you're funny. you're very funny. " he said through gritted teeth. 

as he laughed knox's flashlight swiftly pointed toward todd and neil, and charlie caught a gaze at the two. 

to him, it looked like they were holding hands, and it made charlie stop laughing and purse his lips. what's going on with them? what's it that i don't know? he thought. 

he didn't think that whatever was going on between the two was abnormal or disgusting, he was just upset that neil doesn't trust charlie to tell him anything. he's worried yet concerned.

" aw what happened, charlie? you saw a dead poet? " meeks remarked and laughed. he started to walk away with pitts

charlie flicked his head and blinked " huh? uh, sure. " he laughed a bit to persuade them he wasn't thinking about anything. he then began to walk too, catching up with the rest of the guys.

— —

" god, are you trying to smoke us out of here? " charlie complained, using his flashlight to swat away the smoke in his eyes.

" no, no ! see? the smoke is going inside the opening ! " meeks said matter-of-factly pointing at a small opening in the cave.

pitts looked up, but failed by thudding his head into the stone of the cave. he scowled a few curse words and everyone laughed at his stupidity.

" you okay? " neil said trying not to chuckle.

" yeah, " he whimpered and sat down to meeks.

the fire was a flop, and neil stepped on the fire, trying to put it out. " alright, forget this fire. " then, he beamed and looked around the cave, he was surrounded by his closest friends. 

neil is handed a cigarette from charlie, and he takes it. he takes a drag from it and puffs it out.

" i hereby reconvene the dead poets society. "

the boys cheered and whistled.

" welton chapter. the meetings will be conducted by myself and the other new initiates now present. todd anderson, "

he pointed at the blonde boy with the cigarette and smiled at him, he waved back. he continued to read with a smile on his lips.

" because he prefers not to read, will  
keep minutes of the meetings. i'll now  
read the traditional opening message by  
society member henry david thoreau. " he took another drag from the cigarette.

"" i went to the woods because I wanted to  
live deliberately. I wanted to live deep  
and suck out all the marrow of life. ""

" i'll second that ! " charlie yelled self - righteously. 

neil handed him the cigarette to shut him up, and thankfully, it did.

" to put to rout all that was not life, and not, when i had come to die, discover that i had not lived. " neil whispered the end of the quote, realizing it hit really hard on him. 

some of boys whistle softly in reaction to the poem while others hummed in thoughtfulness. the brunette snapped back into reality from the whistling and continued to read.

" a-and keating's marked a  
bunch of other pages. " neil began to skim through the pages with his thumb.

" all right, intermission. dig deep right  
here. right here, lay it down. " charlie yelled once more and patted down at the dirt below him.

" on the mud? We're gonna put our food  
on the mud? " cameron scrunched up his nose in disgust. charlie snapped his fingers to cameron's pure peevishness.

" meeks , put your coat down.  
picnic blanket. " he smirked.

" yes sir, use meeks' coat. " meeks mimicked and groaned while taking off his coat. 

" don't keep anything back either. you  
guys are always bumming my smokes. " the brunette smugly demanded, his eyebrows arched while looking around the circle.

everyone dumped their food onto meeks' coat, amongst that pile were chocolate chip cookies, a box of raisins, a few apples, an orange, and half a roll.

" raisins? " neil looked down onto the pile.

" yuck, " knox remarked.

" wait a minute, who gave us half a roll? " charlie cried. 

" i'm eating the other half ! " pitts called back, his mouth stuffed with, truthfully, the other half.

" come on ! "  
" what? you want me to put it back? "

— — — 

the boys were still in the cave, and it's almost around 3 in the morning, they were stuck between telling experiences happening to them, dumb scary stories, or passing around the old book and read poems that interested them. neil was currently telling a tale.

" it was a dark and rainy night, and this  
old lady, who had a passion for jigsaw  
puzzles, sat by herself in her house at  
her table to complete a new jigsaw puzzle.  
but as she pieced the puzzle together, she  
realized, to her astonishmentthat the  
image that was formed was her very own  
room... " todd watched neil, head resting between his knees. he smiled to himself softly. 

he liked it when neil would go off in a tangent and tell silly stories like these. he's told this story before during thanksgiving break, and it genuinely scared him at first, but the sound of neils laughter and teasing made him feel less at ease for the poor old lady in the tale.

" she placed the last four pieces and stared in horror at the face of a demented madman at the window. the last thing that this old lady ever heard was the sound of breaking glass. "

there were shouts or sarcastic cries, which made neil giggle after he finished the story, he scooted back next to todd.

" this is true, it's true. " he says while looking back at todd. " isn't it? "

todd looked around and froze. he blinked and stammered an answer. " y-yeah, it is. " he  
shook his head and looked around the cave. 

" i've got one better than that, " cameron said and cleared his throat.

" did you like my story? " neil whipped his head back at todd, he chuckled. 

" you've told me that one before. " he looked up at neil, meeting his soft gaze.

" really, have i? " he pondered, then looked at the blonde to give him an answer.

" yeah, during thanksgiving break? i could've been mean and spoiled the whole story. " he teased, a smile still upon his lips.

neil looked at todds lips, and his eyelids instantly drooped. " really? " he says softly.

todd nodded while taking a bite out of an apple he was eating. " you wouldn't have the guts to spoil it, anyway. " he looked at todds crystal eyes, and he looked back at neils eyes. they stayed like that for a bit, until the cave was filled with mimicking and retelling how cameron's story ended.

" i love that story. " his eyes wide and shocked; shocked that everyone knew the story he was suppose to tell. 

" i told you that one. " charlie mumbled while biting into a cookie. 

" you did not. i got that in camp in  
sixth grade. " cameron states matter of factly. 

" when were you in six, last year? " charlie regarded while mimicking cameron's tone. 

as everyone's voices began to simmer down, pitts went off to read a poem from the book. charlie offered to read his own poem in spite of everyone else reading poems from the measly book.

" what, did you bring one? "  
" you memorized a poem? "

the boys laughed, and charlie shook his head.  
" i didn't memorize a poem, scoot up. " meeks scooted a bit to let charlie stand above them.

" am original piece by charles dalton ! " meeks clapped

" an original piece, " knox says, his voice laced with absolute astonishment.

" you know this is history. right? this is pure history right here. " neil stated, while looking at todd, he giggled i'm exchange of neils tease. 

charlie takes out a folded piece of paper, to which when he unfolds, is a ripped paper of a playboy magazine with an entirely nude lady plastered on the paper. 

" where did you get that? " cameron said as if he's never saw a women in his life.

neil and todd cringed at the paper, and both looked at each other and laughed.

" teach me to love? go teach thyself more wit. i, professor chief, am of it. " 

neil gets up and flashes the flashlight to see if he's genuinely reading something, to be apparent, he is. it's his handwriting scribbled onto the playboy page.

" the god of love, if such a thing there be, may learn to love from me. " he finished his sentence with a wink. an applaud emerged from the cave, the applauding mostly was for proudness that charlie actually wrote something.

" wow ! did you actually write that? " neil asked. 

he shook his head, everyone groaned.  
" abraham cowley. who's next? " 

the night eventually ended, the boys were outside into the woods, yelling a poem meeks once read in the cave into the night sky in a sort of song. 

when they neared the school grounds, they went back the way the left. and slowly, they scrambled back into their dorms. 

todd shrugged off his jacket while neil carefully closed the door. he flopped onto his bed, and sighed contently. 

" was that a good sigh? " neil chuckled and flopped onto his bed too, ripping the covers off of the tucked side.

he hummed happily and moved his head toward neil.

the moon shun on the both of them, neil could see the small smile on todds lips, and for some reason, the moon did a good job reflecting todds beauty. 

" i had fun, " todd admitted softly.

" i'm glad you did. " neil smiled, then tucked himself into the covers. todd did the same, covering himself in his covers as well. 

" hey, neil? "

" yeah? "

" that's for pressuring me into this. "  
neil chuckled and smiled.

" no problem, palós. "


	9. ix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i just noticed at this moment that i forgot to post chapter 9 my apologies !!
> 
> i hope everyone is doing well <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally we get into the good old anderperry w the iconic “ what do you mean no? ” scene. should i do first pov more often?? let me know !! and criticism is always allowed <3

it's december now, and the boys now consider themselves the dead poets. they've been doing meetings every tuesdays and thursdays, or on random nights whenever they felt like getting some fresh air or venting of something.

todd rather admits that this was the best possible way to be enjoying his junior year at welton. he loves neil's friend group, he loves- scratch that. he loves hanging out with neil. the year 1959 is almost ending, and he can tell he's already kicking off into a blissful new year before it even began.

they're all currently in mr. keating's class. keatings expressing the failed creativity and how easy the english language has become. words like " very " or " super " drains the meaning. 

" a man is not very tired, he is exhausted. " the older man calls aloud, he's slowly walking backwards trying to face the diverse class. he calls out knox to find a better word for " very sad, " he answers well, and continues on with the lesson.

todd is currently daydreaming, with his hand on his hand and looking upon his desk. he tries to keep the pencil in place, but fails since the force of gravity making it tumble down the desk. he pushes it back up with his thumb, then trembles down once again.

neil is watching from afar, mimicking the same posture as the blonde, but aside playing with a pencil, he's admiring him. he chuckled softly to himself, his eyelids droop lazily. he thinks it's funny when todd falls into these bored feelings. but then, the twos train of thoughts soon crashed when the teacher called out todd's name.

" now, language was developed for one endeavor, and that is? mr. anderson? come on! are you a man or an amoeba? " he beckoned, slapping the corner of his desk with his hand. he smiled at the boy as he flinched at the sound of his last name. he isn't fond of it, since he has to share it with his older brother, but what more he isn't fond of is getting picked on in class.

todd allowed the pencil fall onto the ground and then buried his arms underneath the desk. he picked at his nails again, refusing to make eye contact with the teacher. 

come on, neil thought. say something.   
neil bit his lip as he watched the boy fidgeted with his nails, and traced the pencil marks and scratches labeled onto his desk.

keating lets his eyes linger on the younger boy and frowns. he pauses for a minute, then continues, the smile now on his lips again as he calls for neil perry.

" mr. perry? " he raises an eyebrow at him.

" u-uh, to communicate ! " he stammers, flicking his eyes at todd once more, then positioned himself with posture. 

" no ! " keating calls out, his tone was laced with sarcasm, a playful grin now on his face.

" to woo women ! " a scatter of chuckles were heard in the classroom. the teacher continued. 

" today we're going to be talking about shakespeare. " mr. keating announces while still playing with the ruler in his hand.

the chuckling in the room now faded into groans, mr. keating laughed at the group gesture and continued on. 

the older mans voice became like static as neils coffee eyes lingered on the blonde, a small, confused frown upon his lips.

he knows todd is better than this, he's been doing so good this whole time, and when a simple question like that makes him fall apart back into square one.

the brunette wishes, he could give the boy the confidence todd deserves. his thoughts got drifted farther and farther from reality, when a slam on his desk made him jump.

it was charlie, he snapped his finger towards the desk which now greeted all of his classmates admiring the view, and jumping off.  
" looking at things in different perspectives. " he smiled smugly. and left neil, trying to ease himself from that scare.

eventually, the class ended. the boy scrambled to get their things and head to their last classes. neil went back to his desk to retrieve his things until the teacher spoke up.

" mr. anderson? " the teacher poked his head back into the class, he whipped his head to the call of his name. his soft eyes meeting the pair of daggers of todds crystal eyes. 

" don't think that i don't know that this assignment scares the hell out of you, you mole. " mr. keating teased, and patted the doorway once more before leaving todds sight.

he groaned, and he buried his hands in his hair. 

—  
// it's that scene everyone !! funfact this is how i started this book originally, with this scene and yes an actual 1st pov // 

—

| todd's pov |

i began to gnaw on my pencil, with my eyebrows furrowed and my brain genuinely not making any kind of english come together as a poem- i sighed, running a hand threw my hair.

my thoughts began to wonder somewhere; somewhere less productive. it lingered to neil. ive noticed before how i last saw him at chemistry, but no where else in sight.

i figured he hung out with the other dead poets, but i heard charlie talk with knox on their way down to his dorm. that's when i began to gnaw on pencil out of anxiousness. 

my prayers were seemingly answered because what greeted me yet startled me was the brunette, his famous smile etched onto his lips, swinging the door open.

he looked at me and without any words, slammed a crumbled paper onto the bed. i looked at him and back onto the paper.

he motioned me to pick it up, so i began to read. he cleared his throat, and me assuming, he wanted me to read our loud. my eyes flickered onto him, and scoffed. readjusting myself to read.

" a midsummer nights dream? " i read off of the crumbled paper. i looked at him with my head titled.

" what is- what is that? " i questioned.

" its a play, dummy! " he finally spoke, and let out a quick airy laugh, while still smiling like a goof. 

" i know that, " i looked back at the paper and neil still couldn't help but smile. " but, what's it got to do with you? "

" right they're putting it on at   
henley hall.. open tryouts. "

" so? " my smiled seemed to blossom as i stared at the positive boy in front of me, the energy and excitement stuck inside his body was radiating off of him. " so? " he hit the bed excitedly.

" i'm gonna act, " neil announced. my smile began to fade, yet i tried to plaster a smile.  
yet, my gut told me something was wrong about this.

" aha yes! " neil threw a blanket onto him and jumped around letting all the energy now escape. " i'm gonna be an actor! ever since i could remember i've wanted to try this! "  
he used his hands for more expression and exaggeration. 

as he was giving me a small history chapter on his life, the feeling in my gut bloomed into something more of a bad feeling rather than a supporting good one.

" for the first time in my whole life i  
know what i want to do, for the first time.  
i'm gonna do it! whether my father wants me to or not, i'm gonna do it! "

" carpe diem! " the two words filled the room.  
he grabbed the papers that were fitted loosely in my binder and aimlessly threw them as if it were confetti, i quickly started to pick up the mess. " neil neil neil, " i repeated his name as if i was a broken record wanting his attention. " how are you going to play if your father won't let you? " my voice was laced with concern and curiosity how this master plan of his would work.

neil thought for a moment then swiftly jumped off my bed. " first, i got to get the part, " he obviously stated. i cut in, " yeah but wouldn't he kill you if he finds out you got the part? "

" no no no, as far as i'm concerned he won't have to know about any of this. " 

" that's impossible, " my smile drooped, the feeling my gut was slowly becoming more   
and more right by the minute.

" bullshit, nothing's impossible. "

i stared at him, what might've felt like years, i studied his eyes, his honey brown eyes stared right back at mine.

oh yet, you capable of liking me  
is entirely impossible.

holy shit what?  
i blinked, and focused back to reality. neils eyes weren't so soft and warm like honey as before, they were filled with confusion and defense. 

" well why can't you just call him and ask him and maybe he'll say yes? " i fumbled with the papers he threw before trying to ignore the thought that drifted through my mind, and even awestruck how that thought even appeared. 

" yeah that's a laugh, " he threw a part of the blanket over his shoulder while rolling his eyes at my suggestion. 

" if i ask him, at least i won't  
be disobeying but, " i cut him off.  
" yeah but- "

" jesus todd, who's side are you on? "  
he snapped, frightened, i sat back down on my bed. now his ares were filled with rage and regret. i diverted my eyes away from his, hiding myself.

he parted his lips, but shut them and hastily grabbed the flyer out of my hands. 

he sat on the heater, " but i didn't even get the part yet, " he chuckled sadly.  
" can i even enjoy the idea for a little while? "  
i smiled but the smile faded more into a loose meaningful smile. i looked down at wooden floor tracing the patterns and scratches left onto them with my eyes distracting myself from the tension between us.

silence filled the room.  
it usually wasn't quiet or awkward like this.  
especially when neil himself is in the room.

" you're coming to the meeting this afternoon. "  
neil demanded rather than asking politely.

" i don't know, maybe. " i hummed twirling the pencil in my hands not wanting to meet his eyes. " nothing mr. keating has to say to you means shit to you, does it todd? " he questioned his voice laced with irritation. i looked up, i could feel the hurt expression forming onto my face. 

" what does that- " he cut my off, i looked away. my eyes started to well up.

" you're in the club! " neil hollered, his voice then growing soft after each word that falls off his mouth. " being in the club means being stirred up by things. " 

i finally met his eyes, now filled with craving for me to go to the club. " you looked as stirred up as a cesspool. " neil irritatedly joked.

" so, you want me out? " i blurted.  
" what? no, i want you in. " neil slowly got closer to me, which made my heartbeat fumble a bit, " but being in means you gotta do something not just saying you're in. " 

he was clearly not giving me any personal space since he was about ten inches away from my face, i started to blush diverting eye contact. 

" l-listen neil, i appreciate this concern but i'm-i'm not like you, alright? " my voice grew gravelly. 

" you-you-you say things and people listen, i'm not like that. " words fumbled through my mouth and talking suddenly became hard for me, like it did once when mr.keating put me in the spotlight today. neil finally got the memo that i felt uncomfortable and laid on the wall for support.

" don't you think you could be? " neil smiled sadly, my eyes darted to the crack on the wall.

" i-i don't know but that's not the point is that there's nothing you can do about it. so you can just butt out. " 

" i can just take care of myself just fine,   
alright? " i looked back at him, his expression now in shock. he bit his lips and thought, then instantly darting his eyes to me, a grin forming onto his lips.

" no, "

" what do you mean, ' no? ' "  
his lips curled into the smile i always adored, and it made me realize that i can't stay at this lovable dork forever. though my stern expression i was trying to keep wasn't showing it.

" no! "

and suddenly, in accelerated second, he ripped the poem i was working on and started to scramble around in the room running away with it. " no neil, give that back. " i became pale and suddenly started rushing after him. 

i'd be lying if i didn't enjoy this moment. the moment of adrenaline and euphoria i felt at this time and place felt, reassuring.

he stopped in his tracks, i crashed into him grabbing his shoulders to steady myself, until cameron bursted into the room. " what the hell are you guys doing? " 

" i'm trying to- " before cameron could even finish, neil swiped cameron's notebook off his fingertips and starting running again. " aw neil give it back, man. don't be immature. "

cameron suddenly joined the party, chasing after the frantic yet laughing mess named neil. 

suddenly the room became filled with bustling noise, with charlie suddenly appearing playing the bongos just to be extra, knox suddenly appeared and motioned neil to throw the notebook in his hands, as soon as he threw it knox dashed through the halls with it. 

" aw, what the hell. screw you, neil! " cameron's voice drifted with him, chasing after knox.  
charlie suddenly chased after them to be dramatic while meeks screamed in his room threatening them if they don't stop, he won't help them with latin. 

i looked back at the sweaty neil in front of me, his honey brown eyes finally meeting mine. he smiled and i exchanged one, then one minute after bursting with laughter. we fell onto the bed just laughing, when clearly there was nothing even to laugh about. 

the laughing started to fade and we were just there, the room suddenly filled with comfortable silence, and a dash of noise in the hallways from cameron bickering, and just left over smiles from the laughter neil and i shared. 

we were close, awfully close.  
and somehow apart of me  
enjoyed this, which is  
unreal, desirably unreal.

" i'm going to uh, finish my trig homework. "  
neil announced, lifting himself off the bed, making the bed shift from the weight. i cringed at his absence. then cringed at myself- why do i feel like this?

" oh, alright. " i lifted myself up and scratched the back of my neck. " if you need me, i'm always here. "

neil nodded setting his books upon him. 

" hey, todd? "   
" yeah? "  
" thanks for existing. "

i began to feel warm and tingly unexpectedly, i looked back at neil to see an almost concentrated boy, a smile left upon his lips.

" no problem, "

that feeling- that tingly feeling, it's not right.   
what's happening to me?


	10. x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things r gettin spicyyy w the lingering  
> stares n the droopy eyelids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> criticism is allowed <3  
> hope all is well !!

tryouts was the only thing that enlightened neil on this dreadful tuesday. besides the bitter rain that made everyone gloomy, the dreadful stacks of homework and exams, it was acting.  
he was excited to sneak off and go tryout for this play. it was around three p.m. and todd is suppose to cover for neil at latin class. the two walked together, neil getting ready for his master escape and todd being the worried mother here.

" are you sure you want to do this? " todd sighed, looking off to the left.

" am i sure? todd, you're talking to neil perry here. of course i'm sure. " he smiled, adding a soft chuckle at the end.

todd smiled for a moment, then drooped into a dull one, his mind cluttering with thoughts of situations that could happen if any- and i mean anyone finds out. neil places a reassuring hand onto todds shoulder, smiling. todd looked up into neil's eyes at the action, his only response was a small hollow chuckle.

" i need you, todd. " neil buoyed. todd held carefully the hand that was placed onto his shoulder and squeezed it. neil redden at the action. " o-okay, yeah. " todd sighed. 

" yo ! " was heard behind the two, hastily, the two let go of their brief touch and looked behind them. what crashed into them was no other than charlie dalton himself. 

" whats you two talking about? dinner registrations? " he mocked, which earned himself an awkward yet forced laugh from neil.

" you need to learn what privacy is, dalton. " neil removed charlie's arm from his shoulder and stood up from the bench.

" so you're still in right? "   
charlie fixed himself and laid onto a white pillar for support, his thumb chipping off the white paint absentmindedly. 

" yeah, duh. i wanna see my best buddy be a star ! " charlie cooed jokingly, which made the two boys giggle.

the plan was simple, during latin neil will find a way to sneak out of the campus, and while doing so todd will claim neils in the nurses. charlie will answer on the phone, claiming to be one of the student helpers and say that neil is in fact in the nurse, and isn't doing too well.

eventually, the rest of the dead poets found each other and started to chat; dreadfully waiting for the next bell to be rung. neil and todd were once again in their own little world.

" d-dont think that i'm not excited for you. " todd stammered, scratching the back of his neck, blush blooming onto his tan skin. 

the brunette simply smiled and chuckled, " i'm honored. " he patted the bashful boys knee with a reminiscent lingering stare. 

" i'm serious, i know you're going to do really great, neil. like- i don't know? so good that the others will regret even showing up? " todd cracked a smile and shaking his head how stupidly he worded his sentence. neils eyelids drooped, admiring the blonde at the shy smile he has. he nodded silently, not wanting to do nothing more but admire the boy.

eventually, todd met the charismatic boys eyes swiftly, gnawing at his lips because the way neil was looking at him. does he know how much it pains him when neil always gives him that look? 

\- 

latin class had already begun, and 17 minutes into the class, attendance is being held by a student- while the teacher sips his coffee while  
trying to distract his poor choice of choosing teaching as his career by reading the newspaper. the sun beams into the classroom, the sunlight spilt onto the faces of the students, which are either quietly chatting or sound asleep.

" neil perry? " the student beckoned, looking around for a hand to shoot in the air, or a simple ' here. ' no response. todds head whipped up and gulped, it's as if he was shot at with a question he didn't know the answer to, but he does know the answer to this.

" neil perry? " the student called out again, which made the teacher lift his head up and sighed " anybody see a mr. perry? "

his nails began to sink in the palm of his left hand. say something. do something, you weirdo. todd thought.

" neil perry is in the nurses. " todd tried to state matter of factly, but failed with the amount of quivering his voice had.

both the latin teacher and a couple of students were stunned to see todd finally manage to speak, he frowned with his eyebrows arched. he motioned for the boy who was taking attendance to call the nurse and ask if i'm fact the brunette was there. 

eventually, he got off the phone which signaled that the plan worked, and todd couldn't help but realize a smile was upon his lips.

\- - 

during the course of latin, the overthinking blonde couldn't help but dramatize what could possibly be happening to neil at that moment. basically over-worrying. 

he was killing himself with the amount of possible ways neil could've been hurt or kidnapped, or worse, his dad appearing in the streets. his thoughts littered throughout the whole class, that the teachers voice was nothing but pure white noise. 

when latin was over, then came mr. keating class. he glanced across the clock, biting his lip. he swiftly packed his stuff and looked both ways, hoping to see the angelic, charismatic brunette he's no other than to call him his best friend, but none in sight. he bit his lip again.

did something happen to him? his thoughts began to claw on his brain until he felt a little pounce on his shoulder. he jumped snapping his head to meet none other than neil perry. 

todd couldn't help but smile when he saw neil throw his head back and laugh. he loved the way his dimples were carved onto his skin when he laughed that hard, he loved how beautiful his laugh sounded. 

wait what? he thought.  
that isn't right todd, don't think like that. 

" not funny. " todd pushed neil teasingly, trying to avoid his unusual thoughts.

neil pouted and dangled a hand around todd, he never failed to blush like a schoolgirl when he did that silly act, neil noticed. he thought it was cute when he would always do that. 

" how was the tryouts? " todd asked, looking down at his leather shoes, trying to hide his face still blooming with blush. neil smiled wide and looked ahead. he kept gushing about it until they both arrived at the class. neil and todd stood outside the english teachers class simply because he wasn't done telling todd everything, practically every single detail. like how the other actors looked, how some of the auditions were either really good, or horribly wrong. 

" gentlemen, i'm sorry to disturb your current secret sharing, but the bell will ring soon and i'd advise if you could at least step into the classroom before it does. " mr. keating said, his iconic warm smile beaming at the two boys, they jumped a bit, not noticing the older man behind them. they nodded but todd got held back from a hand on his shoulder. he looked behind him.

" and don't expect me that i didn't forget your poem, mr. anderson. i expect to hear it today along with the other gentlemen. " his eyes lingered on him, before moving aside and walking into the class, humming a familiar symphony. 

he forgot about that.

————

halfway into the class, todd dreamed about being invisible. he wished that any mystical force could just zap him, and bam, he's invisible for practically the rest of his life.

sure, usually he sometimes thought if he actually were invisible with the amount of times he's been ignored by his parents or overall students from his past school years in balincrest, but it somehow never manages to work the same way he hopes it'd be.

for example, trying not to be called in the front of class siting a poem. he was too distracted by things, and those things were neil perry himself and the dead poets meetings. 

he was slouched against his seat, trying his best to go unnoticed, but neil had to reveal to him that in fact, he's still very much noticeable, and still in that very classroom.

" todd? todd. " neil whispered. 

todd flicked his head, facing neil. the anxious boy raised his eyebrows, signaling him to continue talking. 

" are you okay? " he mouthed, his arms were crossed against his chest, while he looked back at the boy then the teacher. 

mr. keating spoke.

" mr. overstreet? care to share   
what you wrote? " 

the taller boy flicked his eyes lazily towards the teacher, and sighed gloomily. neil and todd saw how he slowly got up from his desk to the front of the class.

while this was happening, neil began to barge more of an answer from todd.

" are you sick? " he whispered as knox read his poem. 

todd shook his head, and neil responded with raising his eyebrows and shaking his head, showing him that he was tired of guessing.

the blonde looked back at knox when he began to hear snickers across the class. 

" ... just knowing that she's alive. " knox finished, embarrassment creeping up on him with every word he said. 

" sorry, captain. " he smacked his open hand onto his thigh. " it's stupid. " he shook his head and sat down.

keating began to reassure him, and while doing so todd looked back at the brunette, noticing that he wasn't paying attention anymore, but looking at knox. a consoling smile upon his lips.

other poems were read aloud, and todd almost thought he was in the clear because he chose mr. hopkins; showing that he was desperate to choose any student now, but who also recited nothing more but   
" the cat sat on the mat. "

todd felt the courage to laugh, since the class had only a couple more minutes to spare. keating gave the buzzcut boy a few words of wisdom, before hearing the dreadful words of " now, who's next? " spill out of his mouth.

todd slouched on his seat more when the teacher started to slowly walk towards his desk. todds eyes werent the blue ocean on a hot summers day, but now pure ice on antartica begging mr. keating not to choose him. 

but of course, nothing goes his way.

" mr. anderson, i see you sitting there in   
agony. come on, todd, step up. let's put you out of your misery. " he motioned the boy to get out of his desk, but he wouldn't budge. 

" i-i didnt do it. i didn't write a poem. " he admitted, still staring cold upon mr. keating.

neils eyes widen, oh. so that's why he looks so ill. he thinks.

the older man frowned, then it followed with a grin. he turned on his heel and looked toward the class.

" mr. anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. almost undesirable. isnt that right, todd? isnt that your worst fear? well, i think you're wrong. i think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal. " he bowed down to todds level and then motioned him to stand up against his will. 

anxiousness almost drowns him that he suddenly forgets how to walk. he manages to stand up, though his knees are weak, and not the bittersweet feeling he gets when neil catches him staring; his eyes almost in the verge of tears. he reluctantly follows mr. keating to the blackboard.

"" i sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world." w. w. uncle walt. " he finishes scribbling on the blackboard and faces the class.

" again. now, for those of you who don't know, a yawp is a loud cry or yell. now todd, i would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric "yawp."" he then faces the anxious blonde. he smiles, reassuringly, to which todd does nothing more but glare at mr. keating when he moves the desk out of his way. 

" a-a yawp? " he's picking at his nails, his voice quivering with questionability. 

" no, not just a yawp. a barbaric yawp ! "

" yawp. " he states quietly. 

" come on, louder. "

from afar, neil is furrowing his eyebrows and his head is pounding with encouragement he wishes he could yell at todd. but he can't do nothing more and hope todd will do something about it.

" yawp. " 

" no, that's a mouse. louder ! "

" yawp. " he shrugs. his whole entire body is hit with stiffness.

" oh good god, boy. yell it like a man- " and he's cut off by todd having enough and yelling, more like as if he's entirely tired of mr. keatings forcing and caves in.

" yawp ! " anger rages in his eyes, with his voice having a lace of nervousness. 

the once scattered laughs and giggles stop, nobody has ever heard him yell before.

he back away swiftly a proud smile forming onto his lips. he grabs onto younger boys shoulders, restricting him from going to sit back down. 

" now, you don't get away that easy. " he winks at him, and turns him toward the framed picture hung above the blackboard. a picture of walt whitman. 

" the picture of uncle walt up there. what does he remind you of? don't think. answer. go on. " mr. keating starts to circle around him like a piece of bait in the middle of the sea.

" a-a-a madman. " todd blinks, looking at the teacher, but he does nothing but points at the picture again. " what kind of madman? don't think about it. just answer again. "

" a crazy madman. " he blinks and starts to follow mr. keating circling him. 

" no ! you can do better than that. free up your mind. use your imagination. say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish. go on, go on. " he snaps his fingers then points at him.

" a- uh- sweaty tooth madman ! " todd hoists his hands in the air momentarily, then shooting them back down.

mr. keating stops, and admires todd. " good god, " he cries. " there is a poet in you after   
all ! " he then motions him to close his eyes.

" now, close your eyes, cloooseee them. " he drags out the word ' close ' while closing them for him. they begin to spin.

" what the hell is going on? " pitts murmurs to meeks, he shrugs, not taking his eyes off the scene unfolding in front of the two. " i have no idea, but i bet neils enjoying this. " he snickers, which makes him snicker along. 

" describe what you see. "

" u-uh, i close my eyes. "

" yes? "

" the image floats besides me. "

" a sweaty tooth madman? "

" a sweaty tooth madman, " todd repeats.  
" with a state that pounds my brain. "

neils also watching the scene unfold himself, but he's too focused on his blonde swirling around the room and stating this poetry in front of him, he's almost mesmerized in this sequence. like he can't take his eyes off him.

" and all the time, he's mumbling. "

" whats he mumbling? "

" m-mumbling, " truth. truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. " his eyes swat open when he hears laughter, but is later reassured when mr. keating tells him to ignore it and the accompany of neils shushing.

y-y-y-you push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough ! " he cries into the air, the teacher stops spinning him, softly moving away. 

" you kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. from the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream. " he opens his eyes to the sound of clapping and whistling, mostly from charlie and pitts. he looks back at mr. keating, todd having a surprised open smile on his lips, they touch heads. 

" dont you forget this. " he murmurs.

he looks around the room, a class of boys clapping mixed with yells of " hell yeah todd ! " 

he noticies neil. and he looks awestruck, it makes his stomach do summersaults realizing the fact that neil watched the entire act him and mr. keating displayed. he gulps, and waves nervously. the brunette shakes his head and laughs, exchanging a wave back to him.

he walks up to his desk, the bell ringing and then everyone swiftly gathering their things to head out of the class. " did you like that? " todd asks, a shy smile on his lips.

" y-yeah. " neil starts, blinking furiously, then looking up at todd, softly.

" you were so good, so, so good. " he says with a delicate whisper, and darts his eyes towards the blondes soft oceans eyes. but manages to trail his way down to his peachy lips.

todd notices, he licks his lips and a wave of warmth hits him. " yeah? " he asks softly.

" y-yeah. " he mimics, his eyes still glued on his lips. he wonders if they taste like peaches too.

" hey ! love birds ! let's go ! we have a soccer game after this ! remember? " charlie calls out, the dead poets awaited for them outside the hall.

" c-coming ! " they both squeaked and they both looked at each other, exchanging grins. eventually, he retrieved to his things, but neil couldn't help but still linger on todd. 

he gulps, while standing up and adjusting himself. he runs a hand through his hair. 

he questions himself why he was staring at his lips, and pondering is a thought like that was an innocent one or a selfish idea.

charlie shook his head, then glanced at knox who was trying his best to remove a stain from his tie. 

" you're so oblivious are you? " charlie states, his face scrunched up as he looks at the taller boy. he hums, his eyebrows furrowing toward the shorter boy. 

" i feel like they like each other, or something. "

knox eyes widen, and charlie simply looks back at the two packing up. " what do you mean, like meeks and pitts like? or like,   
best friends like? " he questions.

" we can hear you. " pitts sighs, reddening at the fact that his and meeks' relationship is another term for something romantic. 

charlie chuckled. and whispered to them,   
" i think more than meeks and pitts. "


	11. xi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they hold hands !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> criticism is always allowed <3  
> stay safe !

todd was left in the dorm alone, awaiting for the brunette to burst into the dorm, and yell the positive news of him getting at least any part of a midsummer nights dream play. 

not to be like any other supporting friend, but todd beamed proudly on how beautifully neil could act. he's seen himself unfold a whole scene and you could just capture the emotion you're suppose to feel.

he prayed to the coming following week where the tryouts were posted on a town build board. if there was any god that was looking down on them, todd thought, he might give praying a try just for neil.

his thoughts got interrupted with sudden shouting was drawing near to their dorm out of the hallway.

" i got the part, charlie, i got the part! " the voice drew near to todd's hearing, which was   
the answer to todd's praying for neil getting at least any, part of the play. 

the dead poets were one of the first to flood out of their rooms, including todd himself.

" i'm gonna play puck,   
i'm gonna play puck! " 

" what did he say? "  
" puck? "

" no, i think he said fuck. " pitts says simply, using his sweater to wipe away any smudge on meeks glasses. meeks hits him slightly on the shoulder.

" dumbass. no he didn't, he said puck. "

" the main part! " neil hollered once again while twirling.

" great, neil, that's great! " knox supported.

" i got the part charlie! " he exclaimed once again, " good for you, neil. good for you. " charlie smiled while cameron gave a dull " congratulations. " charlie smacked the back of cameron's head.

" what's your problem? " cameron bawled, massaging the area where charlie smacked him.

todd awaited him at the front of their dorm, a huge proud smile upon his lips. neil couldn't just stop smiling, he's been wanting to do this all his life, and finally he's able to. 

melting snow litered the top of his head, making some strands of his hair all wet from the snow. a scarf wrapped snuggly on his neck with nothing but a school sweater, and jeans. his nose red from the cold. todd admired him for a moment, but blinked back the admiration and began to follow the energetic brunette.

" okay, okay, okay. " neil sighed, setting himself on his desk, thinking on how he's going to write this excuse letter, pretending to be his dad.

i mean it cant be that hard, can it?  
todd lays besides him, fear is the last thing he wants to think about, so instead he plastered on a friendly smirk at neil. waiting for him to start typing.

" neil, how're you gonna do this? " todd asked playfully. neil stopped setting up the typewriter and looked at him with a dorky smile that made todd's stomach do summersaults once again. 

" well, they need a paper of permission from my father and mr.nolan. " he started to type away, while todds smile slowly bloomed into a concerning one.

" you're gonna write it- " todd apprehensively asked. " oh, yes, i am, dearest todd. " neil thrilled. 

" oh, neil, you're crazy. " todd regarded.   
neil moved closer to his roommate face. which made his ears redden, anything could've happened, he was close. abnormally close. there was silence, but then a weird noise struck out of neil's mouth. 

todd blinked at what just happened moments ago, but threw on a temporary smile once again. " i am writing to you on behalf of " he paused for a moment and met todds gaze then typed " my son, neil perry. " he stomped eagerly if he were five year old finally getting a piece of candy. " oh, this is great. " neil exclaimed.

todd read the paper as it were being typed and exchanged glances at neil then towards the paper. " are you sure this is going to work? "  
neil didn't exchange todds glance but instead, typed away. " oh come now, todd, of course it will. " todd shrugged and stroked the side of the typewriter with his thumb. " i'm worried for you, like yknow, what if something bad happens? " neil stopped typing and looked back at the nervous boy next to him. 

" everything's going to be okay, todd, i mean it. " neil reassured. honestly, todd believed him, only for a swift moment but apart of him had a anxious feeling about this.

he decided to not bring it up and stayed silent.  
neil finished typing the letter and snappily ripped the paper out of the type writer and looked back at todd and smiled half heartedly. 

" you know, you should stop worrying about others, it's a bad habit. " neil stood ruffling todds hair then taking off his wet sweatshirt and throwing aimlessly it on the chair, revealing a white t-shirt. 

" i really don't worry about anyone else, but you. " todd blurted, the room left silent.  
neil looked back at the now blushing boy and grinned. he sat besides him still with the paper carefully in his hands. " really now? " neil raised his eyebrows and made todd squirm.   
" hey don't we have a trig exam tomorrow? we should probably be studying on that. " todd jumped out of the bed now officially once again avoiding eye contact.

neil felt bitter when todd left his side, but shrugged it off as if it were nothing.   
he scratches the back of his neck feeling the sudden awkward tension between the two now.

" okay. " he frowned, deciding not to pressure him any further. the room filled with silence, awkward silence. he regretted what he said about caring for neil, i mean maybe neil took it as a friendly matter? why is he caring so much about this? this is utterly ridiculous, he thought while scribbling down aimless things so it looked he was actually busy so neil can't converse with him.

but you obviously know neil.  
" there's another dead poets meeting today, you coming? " neil's words cut the silence of the room. " uh, i don't know. " todd replied nonchalant. " do we really have to go over this again? "

todd shrugged scribbling more doodles onto the front cover of his notebook, instead of completing any so-called studying. 

neil pursed his lips and sighed. " you're doing this again. " todd flinched at his words. he looked up at him momentarily and scrunched up his face and scoffed. " doing what, exactly? "   
he questioned, biting the inside of his bottom lip.

" this thing you always do ! you get into these moments where — where you become aloof. " he states matter of factly, while waving his hands in the air to prove his point. 

the blonde scoffs again, and widens his eyes for a moment before looking neil in the eye, squinting. " what about it? " 

" what do you mean, what about it? " now neils getting annoyed, he hates it when todd avoids a question. doesn't he not realize he wants to help todd? to help him become more comfortable in his own skin? so he says whats been on his mind

he only shrugs for an answer, neil breaks.  
" todd, i want to help you. i want you to feel comfortable in your own skin. " 

" what, so you're saying somethings   
wrong with me? " todds voice cracks a bit when the word me falls from the tip of his mouth. 

neil softens a bit. " n-no, i'm not saying- "  
before he could console todd, theres a knock on the scratched wooden door. neil looks at todd briefly to see him looking down at his notebook, sniffling a bit. he sighs and walks to the door to open, using his spare hand to run a hand through his still misty brown hair. it's greeted with charlie. 

charlie's expression is awfully concerned, his eyes darting toward the seemingly stressed neil to the quiet, aloof todd. he opens his mouth as if he were to say something, but stops himself before he even could spit a syllable. 

" i was uh— you're coming to the meeting right? " charlie lays an arm in the doorframe, still looking back at todd from behind. 

" yeah, we'll be there. " todd says, his voice hoarsely. 

neil looks behind him, while charlie   
looks behind neil as well. he nods, and looks back at neil, being greeted with the back of his head since his eyes still linger on todd.

" okay, got it. just making sure because meeksie brought some of his old man's pipes. " charlie chuckles, trying to relieve the tension that he walked into accidentally. 

charlie moves closer to neil, nothing but above a whisper. " are you guys okay? couples quarrel? " he jokes, but neil doesn't laugh this time. he shakes his head. " we'll see you at 12, " he simply says, and charlie studies the brunette, and raises his arms in the air. 

" alright, i believe ya. "

the shorter boy walks into knox's dorm, being greeted with pitts and meeks outside the hallway looking at neil concerned. neil mimics the same gesture by doing the same to his.

\- 

" are you ready? " neil says as he cuffs his pants, looking in between his legs to see todd staring at the window, dispassionate.

he hoists himself up, and walks to him gently, placing a hand on his shoulder, making the boy jump. he shrugs it off, and turns to go to the door. " are you okay? " neils voice is laced with softness, he fiddled with the zipper of his jacket. he grabs onto todds wrist for attention to his question. 

" yeah, let's go. " todd opens to door to meet up with the rest of the dead poets. neils left there, feeling bitter. eventually, he grabs the lamp he bought in the thrift store, then he follows todd.

——

" atta boy, pittsie ! " charlie continually slaps the breath out of pitts when hes nearly choking of smoke. " inhale deeply. "

" my dad collects a lot of pipes. " meeks says, then giggles, looking around the cave. 

" your parents collect pipes? oh, that's really interesting. " pitts teases, and meeks simply giggles at his tease and shoves him jokingly.

charlie begins to persuade knox to join in on the smoking, while neil shows off the lamp hes recently bought to spruce up the cave.

" whats wrong? " charlie asks.

" its chris ! " pitts exclaims. he reaches over for the playboy centerfold and shoves it into knox's face out of teasing. " here's a picture of chris for you ! " he laughs, and he gains the other laughs from charlie and meeks and surprisingly todd.

" friend, scholar, welton men. i greet you with the new furniture piece of this cave. " neil speaks, and dramatically shows off the lamp. sarcastic gasps and laughs are muttered across the cave, and neil waves it off. 

" what is that, neil? " meeks squints. 

" duh it's a lamp. " pitts retorts. and the redhead simply responds with a small " oh, " and laughs into pitts. 

" no this is the god of the cave. " he sarcastically states, a smile on his lips. he looks at todd who's next to him, but doesn't seem to smile. which makes him feel unsettled. he usually laughs at these silly sarcastic jokes, why not today? 

neils train of thought is disturbed as soon as he hears the note of a saxophone piercing through the caves walls.

" why don't you say we start this meeting? "

" y-yeah, let me find my flashlight. " neil says, while scrambling around to find it.

" yeah, let me get my earplugs as well. " cameron says flatly, rolling his eyes at charlie. 

the loud short brunette then begins to play on his saxophone, entirely wanting to skip the beginning of every dead poets meeting.

" gentlemen, poetrusic, by charles dalton. " he begins to site his poem aloud, but neils no longer paying attention, still trying to find his flashlight.

" here, " todd says a bit more louder than usual, so neil will be able to hear him over charlie's poem. neil looks down at his hands, being greeted with his flashlight. he chuckles, and thanks todd, to which he exchanges with nothing more than a small smile that instantly fades away. he frowns, wanting to say another word, but is interrupted by the boy with the beret finally finishing his poem.

" that was nice. that was great, where did you learn to play like that? " pitts clapped by slapping his thigh, since his other hand was occupied by holding up his pipe. 

" my parents made me do the  
clarinet for years. " he sighs, shaking his head as if to forget the sudden memories that are popping into his head all at once.

" i love the clarinet ! " cameron cooed, somehow gaining more respect for charlie as he sat down next to him. charlie looks at him and then smirks.

" oh yeah? i hated it ! " he whined, but then lifted his saxophone in the air, showing off.   
" but the saxophone? the saxophone is more.. sonorous. " 

" oooh, " cameron rolled his eyes.

" vocabulary ! " meeks exclaims. 

then, all the boys all get equally jumped when knox himself launches himself in the air, almost hitting his head on the caves ceiling.

" i can't take it anymore ! " knox's cries. " if i don't have chris, i'm gonna kill myself. " 

" woah, knoxious you gotta calm down ! " charlie stands up, resting a hand on his shoulder, being the first to comfort him.

he looks at him, with droopy eyelids and smirks, " no, charlie. that's just my problem. ive been calm all my life. i'll do something about that ! " and next thing you know, he flings himself out of the cave and starts running back to the school. 

charlie goes out of the cave and calls back.   
" by doing what? " he yells into the night sky.

" i'm gonna call her ! " he yells back.

" holy shit, he's gonna call her ! " cameron lifts himself up, hastily grabbing his belongings, and the rest of the dead poets do the same. 

— — — 

while the other dead poets raced over to catch up with the lovesick boy, neil and todd were left with last place. todd being the one refusing to run, and neil is there to support todd's right to walk, but ideally there to patch up things between the two. 

it's a very cold night, you could practically see the smoke spilling out of every breath they take, along with them walking, their light from the flashlight being thrown to one tree to another on the way the boys ahead of them are running. 

todd sighs, one hand in his pocket, and the other holding the flashlight lazily in his hand, pointing to his cold, bitter shoes. on the other hand, neil completely mimics his posture, but his flashlight is aimed towards the woods rather than his own two feet.

" are we okay? " neil finally manages to speak up. the only reply he gets is a simple " yeah. " from the blonde, being aloof. this makes him bite his lip, practically gnawing until the skin on his pale lips were splashed with blood from the skin he broke. 

" you're lying. "

" what do you want me to say, neil? " 

he points the light at neil, almost blinding him, stopping in the middle of his tracks. he flinches at the light being shown onto him, but then stiffens when he replies. " well, at least something. " he mutters. " you never say anything. you don't defend yourself. " he says flatly, though his voice laced with anger.

todd looks to the right of him, scoffing.  
" i'm not like you, weren't you listening to me on that day? "

" of course i was ! i always listen to you. " neil admits his whole body loosens up when he says that, along with todd, but he stiffens once again. 

" i just- i want you to not be afraid of being yourself. you've proved it ! you've proved it so many times to me, todd. " 

he grits his teeth. " when? " 

" do you not remember that poem? that poem you said out loud in class? was that not you or some guy wearing a costume of you? " he steps closer to the blonde, a bit in his face. 

" you backed me up when i went to my tryouts, and- you defended yourself when you didn't want to come to the first dead poets meeting. "  
he raises his eyebrows, flaring his arms out as if he were to show todd something sarcastically.

" you're not this little meek thing. you're so much more, todd. let me help you, let me support you. " he pleaded, studying todd.

" its hard, don't you know that? i cant wake up the next day and suddenly feel like a million bucks, neil. " he states, but his voice cracks when he says his name. it makes him ache.

" then we can do something about it, we'll slowly get you out of your comfort zone. your shell. we'll take slow steps for you, i don't want you to do this alone. " he suggests, getting more closer to todd.

it's silent between the two, the only thing that comforts the silence is the animals who live in that forest. neils eyes wonder all over todd's face, rediscovering new moles or freckles he's never seen before. he finally meets his eyes.

" you want to help me? " 

" more than anything in the world, " and god, when he says this, and when neil cracks his iconic grinned smile. he can't help but feel weak. it's an excuse for him to look at his lips, noticing the blood smeared on his lips.

" there's blood on your lips. " todd says, hoarsely. finding something to change the conversation with. his roommates smile fades, " oh? " yet before he could even explain why, todds already wiping the blood away with his thumb. 

neils face is painted with blush, and it's not from the cold, it's from the simple domestic touch of todd's silly thumb.

he pulls away his thumb, blushing furiously.   
" we need to catch up with them, before they think like- they think we're making out or something. " he laughs, scratching the back of his neck, beginning to walk.

he's watching todds every move now, and he doesn't know what this feeling is, but he relates it so heavily with love. " my hands are cold, " neil mutters. todd turns around to face him.

" that sucks. " he chuckles, his voice laced with being flustered, looking back at the forest ahead of him, noticing the lights of the other dead poets still reflecting in the trees.

" will you warm one of them for me? " 

he faces him again, his eyes wide as pancakes. he doesn't know why, but he doesn't refuse to hold his hand.

" y-yeah. " neil smiles again, warmly, and todd swears it makes his knees weak again. he walks up to the flustered brunette. his hand flinches a bit when he reaches for the boys hand, but finally stitches the two together when he places his hand in his. 

and so, they walk to the campus, holding the comfortable silence and the touch of their hands close to their hearts, completely oblivious of the true affections they have towards one another by this simple innocent gesture.


End file.
